Before he said another word, she knew. Her heart fell heavily and clumsily into her monkey boots, and the air left her lungs as surely as if she’d been punched in the stomach. Winded and shocked, she laid her head on his lap and sat for a while, letting the tornado of thoughts and realisation swirl around them. Too stunned to cry, too sad to speak, as she understood that Beautiful Jack had gone, and that Bertie most likely cried because he, too, was suffering from that same terrible disease, the word they had avoided for the longest while. A word that ate up beautiful young men. A word too fearful to voice in these turbulent times, when the stigma and fear of such a disease was rife.
‘Bertie, no . . .’
‘’Fraid so, Bob old chap. I think we might have to cancel any future dates for our music-hall act. I’m packing away my fishnets and top hat.’
She had quite forgotten this, and her whole body rippled in horror at the thought of losing him. He placed the flat of his palm on her hair and she closed her eyes, taking comfort from the contact, feeling the warmth flow from his hand to her. It was maternal, it was kindness, it was love and it was the start of goodbye.
‘What are we going to do?’ She could barely stand to ask.
‘I’ve found a place that offers some marvellous treatment and complementary therapies, in Cornwall, actually. So I’m going to head down there for a bit ...’
‘Cornwall?’ She lifted her head, unable to imagine Bertie, the toast of London, in a place like Cornwall.
‘Don’t look like that! It’s not the other side of the world!’
‘Might as well be.’ She reached out and ran her fingertips over the thin wrist of her lovely friend. ‘Cornwall? I shall miss you.’
This was the mealy-mouthed phrase that popped from her mouth, when what she wanted to say was,My heart is broken! I am utterly petrified! I can see now that you look ill! You’ve lost your verve! You look like you might die, and I can’t bear the thought of it, Bertie Barnes! I absolutely cannot bear the thought of it! What in the world does my life look like without you in it!
Sitting up straight, he stared at her now, as he placed his cupped palm over her fingers and held on tightly as his eyes misted. ‘Tell you the truth, Bob, I’m going to miss me too. I’m going to miss all of it.’
‘I ...’ Her lips moved, but still she struggled to find the eloquence that sadness had robbed her of. What could she possibly say to this man who had shown her another wonderful facet of the world, had given her a chance, and had always shown her love? And oh, how she loved him in return!
‘I know, Bob. I know. The feeling, darling one, is entirely mutual.’
She let her head hang forward, doing her best not to give in to the tears that threatened.
‘There is one thing I need to tell you—’
‘Tell me when you get back.’ She cut him short. Holding his eyeline. Her voice unwavering. ‘Tell me all about it when you get back.’
Bertie nodded. ‘Okay, I’ll tell you all about it when I get back.’ They shared a long, lingering look of pure love. ‘I’ve never been to Cornwall.’ He rallied as best as he could, his voice as bold as he could make it.
Lilly sniffed. ‘I’ve heard it’s all knitted loo-roll holders, pampas grass and Viennese Whirls.’
‘Urgh!’ He rolled his eyes and pulled a face. ‘Shoot me now!’ He laughed, but quickly this laughter turned to tears. ‘Beautiful Jack!’ he howled.
‘I know,’ she wept with him. ‘Beautiful Beautiful Jack ...’
Present day
‘You all right, Lil? Haven’t heard from you for a couple of days. I said to Norm, I’m worried she’s fallen down the plughole!’
‘I’ve started packing up, Glen, can’t see a way to avoid it really, and it makes me sad and makes me think, but it’s also galvanising me.’
‘I bet, my love, a whole lifetime of memories. Did you take Apollo into school?’
‘No, he’s on half-term, so Clodagh’s taken time off. I quite miss it!’ It was nice to hear how Glenda’s attitude to the young woman had changed.
‘Oh yes, I think Bradley’s boys are on holiday too. So what news?’
‘I went to see Derek Manners.’
‘You never did! Now there’s a name I haven’t heard in a while!’ Glenda’s shocked tone was a reminder of how she and everyone in her circle had always viewed him. Lilly knew that when it came to building a relationship with him, it was a case of too little too late, but she had been greatly touched by his words, knowing her guilt was something she would wrestle with. The fact was, he had loved her mum, made her happy, and Jeannie had chosen him for a reason. A reason Lilly was beginning to understand.
‘I did. It wasn’t easy. He told me a few home truths and I left feeling really weird. It’s unnerved me. I feel like I’ve lived my lifewith only half the cards, Glenda, while she had the other half, and I just wish I could see her, talk to her.’
‘Life doesn’t work like that, mate, does it? We can’t waste time regretting the things we can’t change. It’s futile and will only make us miserable.’
