‘How have Ibeen?’ He laughed until he wheezed. ‘What is it you want, Lilly?’
‘I don’t know really, Derek Ma—’ She caught herself just in time. ‘What do I want?’ She thought about it, looking around the room, and her eyes landed on a shelf where, next to a thriving spider plant, sat a picture of him and her mum, laughing into a camera, decades younger. Her mum looked happy and in love; they both did.
‘You stillhateplants?’ he asked with the smallest hint of irony to his question.
‘No,’ she conceded. ‘I quite like them now.’
‘Well, there we go. People change, right?’
‘Yep, they do.’ She took a deep breath, floored that he remembered that conversation too. ‘I’m probably going to be moving from the flat.’ It felt important to let him know.
‘Where are you going?’
‘Not sure yet.’
‘I never thought you’d leave the place.’
‘Neither did I. It’s not by choice,’ she explained. He shrugged, as if where she did or did not live would scarcely affect or concern him and, again, she understood.
‘I’m clearing out cupboards, starting to pack up, and I found some letters that Mum wrote to my dad. And I guess I just wantedto come and see you, to ask you some things.’ Her mouth was dry; this was a lot harder than she had anticipated.
‘Because I’m the last one standing?’
‘Yes, I guess so. It’s always the way, isn’t it? It’s only when people have gone that you realise the many things you wish you’d asked them, all the curious small stuff that you ponder in the early hours.’
‘Not me and Jeannie.’ He smiled, as if the thought of her was enough to invoke joy. ‘We left nothing unsaid: it was one of our rules – to always communicate honestly and openly. It stood us in good stead.’
‘I bet.’ She felt the pang of envy that they had known each other so well –nothingleft unsaid – and yet her mum was to her, in so many ways, a stranger. ‘I guess I’ve only just understood that she wanted to see me more, wanted me to come and stay, things like that.’ Her words were coated with the embarrassment of her teenage self.
‘Oh yes, that was what she wanted, but not what she got.’ Derek nodded at her most matter-of-factly. ‘What she got in fact was very little, and it hurt her. It hurt me, too, to see it. To love her and not be able to fix things, not able to give her what shereallywanted.’ He shook his head.
‘I didn’t know.’ Lilly felt suitably admonished.
‘Yes, well. Let’s just say there were decisions made, boundaries put in place that your mum had no choice but to abide by.’
‘By my dad?’ Lilly pushed, sensing this to be the case but hoping for an explanation.
‘I’m sure he had his reasons. He was a troubled man, Lilly, but not a cruel one, I don’t believe. As with anything, hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I spent an age thinking how I might or should have done things differently. It was hard for me; I didn’t really have a seat at the discussion table.’
‘No.’ This much she knew to be true. ‘In one of the letters, Mum said that she used to come and watch me while I painted. Do you know anything about that?’
He leaned back in the chair and looked up at the swirl-patterned ceiling. ‘Yes. It was your dad’s suggestion, actually. Jeannie wanted to see you, but it was obvious you didn’t want to see her. You were so angry, and your dad felt it was confusing for you.’
‘I was angry. I found the whole thing confusing. I still do.’
‘Kids aren’t meant to get the detail. I guess your parents did what they thought was best to protect you.’ The way he spoke suggested her mum and dad had further collaborated. This, too, was new information, and an odd concept, Lilly having always believed that her mum had simply left and hadn’t looked back ... ‘But yes, she used to come and watch you paint. I tried to keep out of the whole thing, knowing I couldn’t win, damned if I did, damned if I didn’t, but I’d come with her sometimes. She just wanted to sit and look at you – your dad suggested you sit on the towpath one day so she could see you more easily from the other side of the bank. And then on the days he knew you were there, he’d call her, quietly tip her off.’
There’s something quite lovely about sitting on the towpath, getting lost in the river, the sounds, the sights ... Give it some thought.She remembered him suggesting it.
‘It was a clever move from your dad.’
This hint of admiration coming from his rival was quite unexpected.
‘Jeannie would sit and stare across the water, tears streaming down her face. And we’d get the bus home in silence, and she’d go straight to bed, no matter the time of day. Didn’t eat, didn’t talk, just lay on the bed with her arms wrapped around herself, like she was hurt, injured, and I can’t say it made me very fond of you.’
Lilly felt the rise of tears and could only nod.
‘The only time it was worse than that was on your birthday.’ Derek paused and reached into his trouser pocket, from where he produced a white cotton handkerchief before wiping his eyes with it. ‘She’d make a cake and put a candle in it, and we’d light it, and she’d make a wish. Same wish every year – that you might come and see her, let her in a little bit, not talk to her like she was the enemy. And not snap at me or disagree with everything I suggested. It was wearing.’
