It was the closest she could get to admitting to her fear of loneliness, and the feeling of utter despair, of defeat, that dogged her in the early hours, as Denzel’s words jumped in her thoughts... these large developers have more money, time and resources than you. They could tie you up in legal knots that would be costly, and you could end up with nothing.It was horrible to feel so vulnerable. It made her feel old.
‘So fragile you feel the need to live with one foot in the past, painting the same scene on the riverbank and imagining those you have loved and lost all around you?’
‘Yes, Alfie, exactly like that.’ She sniffed, cursing the pull of tears that she managed to contain, just.
‘I understand, Lilly, more than you think.’
‘Why, are you fragile too?’
He took a second to respond. ‘I have a failed marriage that didn’t just fail, it imploded! According to my ex-wife, I putmy business first, prioritised making money over spending time with her and the kids and, on reflection, I can see she was right. And I can never get those years back. Never make up for my absence. I live in a big old farmhouse all alone, and I’ve already told you I get lonely. And with work, I can’t see the end game any more, and that’s an odd one for me. My goals always had yardsticks, metrics which meant I knew when I’d won, or the thing was finished, X amount of pounds made, or the dotting of the Is on a contract, but not any more. It’s grown so much, it’s like being on an endless travellator with one thing merging into the next, and it’s less rewarding because of it. So yes, a little fragile and tired, quite tired.’
‘Sounds like you might need that trip to Norfolk.’ She smiled at the man.
‘I think you might be right. Are you hungry?’
‘Ravenous! You?’ Her stomach gave its customary rumble, as it did around dinnertime.
‘Always.’
They quickened their pace.
1973 – aged 18
July slipped into August. Her birthday came and went without too much fanfare – her dad made her a delicious coconut cake, her mum sent a padded card with a kitten in a champagne glass on the front, and signed itLove Mum and Derek. Lilly put it straight in the bin, but first retrieved the book token that was secreted inside. She didn’t want a card signed from her mum and Derek – just the sight of his name was enough to fire her irritation.Love Mum and Derek.It was hard to see the name of the couple who had taken the leap, committed to each other no matter the consequences, when all she longed for was to see Wilkie’s face.Mum and Derek.It would never get easier not seeingMum and Dad, not for her. Lilly felt angry with herself all over again for calling her mum that night when excitement had threatened to explode from her! Angry that she and Jeannie shared a secret, knowing it smacked of duplicity. The fact that her mum knew of her love while her dad was still in the dark had been a rotten thing to do, disloyal.
And she hated disloyalty.
London grew hotter, the nights almost insufferable in the heat as tourists flocked to the streets to eat ice cream, stare at the buildings, walk in slow, irritating gaggles along the river and marvel at the fountains and lions of Trafalgar Square. They bothered her, the clusters of grinning, happy strangers. Shewanted them gone so she could fret in peace without having to sidestep on the pavements as they ambled at their leisure, taking in the beautiful city that was her home. Their happiness only seemed to magnify her sadness, her longing to see the man who had gone quiet. She spotted him everywhere. The back of a head, the colour of a jacket, a dark beard ... Of course it never was him, but that didn’t stop him popping up in her imagination as she rode the bus or stared out of the gallery window, scrutinising every passer-by, willing one of them to be Wilkie.
‘What am I going to do, Bertie?’
‘Eat something?’ was his practical suggestion, looking her up and down as if taking in her rather weakened state. She had no appetite, none at all, and a lack of sleep made her look as if she was suffering from something. This she already knew, heartsick as she was over the lack of contact.
‘I mean, what am I going to do about Wilkie? I still haven’t seen him.’
‘For how long?’
‘Ten days, now.’
‘Might he have been taken ill?’ There was something distinct in his tone that told her he didn’t believe this for a second and was just trying to be nice. It irritated her. She needed practical solutions, not a sticking plaster for her pain.
‘Maybe.’ She shrugged.
‘You know where he’s staying?’
Lilly nodded, thinking about the way the light from the Victorian lamppost had fallen through the sash window, striping the green eiderdown and their naked flesh as they lay gloriously entwined. That beautiful street that had put her in mind ofMary Poppins.
‘Well, that seems like a good place to start. Do you want me to come with you?’ It was a sweet offer and she felt bad for how much he’d irritated her only seconds before.
‘No. I’ll go, but thanks.’ She stared at her friend. ‘What should I say to him?’ She was in equal parts excited and terrified at the prospect of pitching up at the house in Royal Avenue.
Bertie drew breath. ‘I’d let him speak first, allow him to explain his absence for the last ten days, and then, based on what he says, use your judgement to decide whether you believe him or not. And then, when you’ve decided, state what it is you want.’
To be with him every single night, for ever, and for him to never let me go ...
‘Okay.’ She grabbed her bag, knowing there was no time like the present and to spend another torturous night longing for him was not going to serve her well.
‘I’d also say keep calm, keep your chin up and do not beg, not ever. Don’t give him the upper hand. If he wants you, Bob, and has a good reason for going AWOL, then be cool and confirm he’s made a good choice, because you are magnificent! And if he’s had a change of heart, then keep calm, be cool and walk away, allowing him, in time, to understand that he has made the biggest mistake of his life,becauseyou are magnificent!’
