‘Why would I call her? The bitch!’
It wasn’t even a word she used! The atmosphere changed in a second. Her dad’s face was thunderous. And to her horror she saw his hand flatten, rise and head towards her face. She gasped, her tears coming instantly, and her face crumpled. He stopped short of contact, curling his shaking fingers into his palm, his face flushed, his own eyes misting. It was a terrible, terrible moment. A life-altering thing that she was sure her dad would remember for ever, as would she.
‘Don’t you ever,everrefer to your mother in that way, not ever! Do you hear me?’ His voice hoarse, his throat tight, spit flying from his mouth, emotions running high, sandwich abandoned.
Lilly nodded, watching, quite afraid as he walked towards the sink and leaned on it, visibly shaken.
‘I’m sorry.’ Her words were whispered from a mouth contorted with shame and regret.
He looked up at her then, his eyebrows knitted in confusion and his lips quivering with all they tried to contain.
‘She’s your mum.’ He spoke quietly now, calmly, and she was glad of it, watching as he wiped his mouth with the back of his shaking hand. ‘She is the only mum you have. She gave birth to you. She made you.’
‘I know.’
‘You don’t get to choose, Lilly. None of us do. We don’t get to choose our parents. Sometimes we get lucky, sometimes not so much, but there’s not a whole lot we can do about that.’
‘I got lucky, Dad. I got you.’ Her tears fell steadily now. It was both asking for forgiveness and giving it too.
‘That word.’ He sighed and rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. ‘The B word – there is no male equivalent. A terrible word, I think, and not one I would ever want to hear directed at you or your mum. The two women I love.’
‘Do you miss her, Dad?’ It felt like the time to ask, to break the rule that no one had set, to touch on the subject they steadily avoided and had done for years.
‘Do I miss her?’ He gave a rueful smile. ‘With every breath I take, every minute of every day.’
‘Did you ever think about trying to get her back?’ She had often thought about this, whether he had given up on her too easily, as easily as she had given up on them.
He took his time forming a response, as if even the recollection was almost too painful.
‘I tried very hard.’ He swallowed. ‘I wrote to her, I begged her, I visited, I sat in a chair while your mum made tea in a strange kitchen, and I could see her bed jacket hanging on the back of the open bathroom door. I could see lamb chops defrosting on the sink drainer, that she would cook for his tea. I saw the ring on her finger, the wedding band I’d given her replaced by a big old sparkly number. Yes, I tried. But as she explained to me, it was like someone had shown her this other lovely life, a bright life, a shiny life, and it was a life she wanted. And that was that.’
‘I thought we had a lovely, bright, shiny life when she was here.’ The words left her mouth like a sigh, coasting out on a breath of relief as she opened up Pandora’s box.
‘Me too.’ His voice broke and he took his time, speaking slowly, meaningfully. ‘Your mum is not a bad woman and not a bad mother. We don’t have to understand her choices, but we do have to respect them, and her.’
‘I’m sorry, Dad,’ she apologised again, speaking with clarity now.
‘I’m sorry too.’ His expression was pained, as if recalling, as was she, the flat of his hand travelling towards her face. ‘One thing I’ve learned, Lilly, is that sometimes the kindest thing to do for those we love is to let them go.’
She knew that she’d remember this day for always or, more specifically, three things from this day. One: how great it felt to be offered a job. Two: that her dad had almost hit her. And three: that it made her dislike her mother even more, knowing that her dad had loved his wife enough to let her go, no matter if his heart was broken and he missed her with every breath he took ...
Present day
‘I don’t want to move.’ Apollo picked up a thin stick and pointed it like a sabre as they walked along the pavement on the way to school. It had obviously been on his mind, as they had returned to the topic. Lilly’s heart flexed for him, knowing how unnerved she was by the whole fiasco, and she had a grown-up brain, better able, allegedly, to make sense of it all.
‘I know, but very often the things we don’t want to happen or don’t look forward to turn out to be for the best!’ she added with false enthusiasm, hoping it might be infectious, or at least reassuring. Careful, too, not to negate or invalidate his fears. Trying to think of a suitable example. And failing.
‘I don’t know how to get back to our old house. The house where my dad used to live with us. My mum says we can’t go and see him, but I left some of my cars there in the cupboard. Two of them were my favourites.’
‘I see.’ Lilly didn’t know how to respond, not without it seeming like she might be prying, something she would never do.
‘He doesn’t know where I am now.’ Apollo spoke with a wobble to his bottom lip that tore at her heart.
‘I remember my dad telling me that I would always be able to find my house because all I had to do was findBig Benor walk towards the river and follow it. He told me that Old MotherThames would always lead me back, all the way home! And so even if you have to move, you can always find your way back to me.’ She hoped it helped in some small way, to know that not everyone was disappearing from his life.
Apollo looked up at her. ‘But what if they’ve knocked your building down? How would I find you then?’
It was both heart-warming and emotionally galling, how aware he was for a little one; her sadness bloomed again at the possibility of disruption to the family unit that meant the world to her.
