I shook my head, my blush deepening.
“Oh my god, you have a crush on her,” Tilly said. She smiled wide. “Girl, we can make this happen.”
“No!” I blurt out. “No, it’s not like that.”
Tilly and Danielle shared a look. Both of them smiling. I went over to the sink and splashed some water on my face. “I don’t want anything from her. I’m just trying to get settled and a stable situation for Dolly, you guys know that.” They nod, both of them remembering my concerns I’ve shared in group before. “Being a single mom is hard, but I’m not about to risk Dolly’s stability by dating anyone.”
Especially not Nikki. Not after what I did.
The door opened and, of course, Nikki walked in. She had a black tank top tucked into some cargo pants with a silver chain hanging from her waist. She had more tattoos, and I wanted to take them in but I refused to let myself look at her.
“Hey, Thomas,” Tilly said.
“Hi, Tilly. Hey, Danielle,” Nikki said. Her voice… like a gentle crunch of boots on gravel. The hair on my arms stood on end. We made eye contact in the mirror. Her eyes widened as they recognized me. I saw her scan my features, and I saw the exact moment her defenses locked in and locked me out.
“Maeda,” she sighed, “it’s been a while.”
“Well, I should go check on Ben,” Danielle said.
“Right behind you,” Tilly said with a shit-eating grin.
Chapter Four
Maeda
We stared at each other in the mirror for a heartbeat. Then, two. Then, she pointed at the sink. “Mind if I wash my hands?”
My mind flashes with the image of my father, a preacher at a pulpit, reenacting the trial and sentencing of Jesus,I wash my hands of this. Isn’t that what I had done with her?
“Sure,” I said. I noticed an unfamiliar tattoo on her neck as she passed me. A hand? And… is that a chili pepper? I turned and ducked out of the bathroom. I reconnected with Tilly and Danielle in line for the food, and I tried not to feel shaken. I repositioned my cardigan around my shoulders, tucked my hairbehind my ears, and tried to find five things that were blue. Blue was Dolly’s current favorite color.
1. Blue sign on the bathroom door. Nikki came out of the bathroom moments later with her big and easy smile. She seemed solid. Stable. As if seeing me had no real effect on her.
2. Blue ribbon tied around a small bucket being used to hold plastic forks. And, why should she be affected by me? I wasn’t so vain to think that Nikki still thought about me.
3. Blue shoelaces on Ben’s shoes. I wondered briefly how Dolly was doing.
4. Blue heart sticker on my emotional support water bottle. I had stickers on every inch of this thing marking out the bisexual pride flag: pink, purple, blue. The water bottle itself had once been branded with my parent’s church logo, but I buried it under so many stickers, the original black of the water bottle was mostly covered.
5. Blue on the pride flag behind Nikki. She was serving spoonfuls of pasta onto plates that were handed to her. I watched her muscles flex in slow motion, and she extended a full plate back out to the person in line. She barked a laugh at something they said. I let my gaze travel along her familiar features. It felt like I was rewatching a favorite childhood movie and realizing I still knew every word.
The line moved forward. I grabbed myself a fork, napkin, and plate. Why was I feeling so jittery? Maybe it didn’t have anything to do with Nikki. I was nervous about the event before I saw her. I steeled myself, remembered the color of my shirt, grey like stone, like armor. I was fine. Pine Grove was a small town, but that didn’t mean we would see each other all the time. I hadn’t seen her the last several weeks. It was all going to be just fine.
I had erected a wall around myself when I left Tristan. I mentally felt along it for any cracks that might have been left open. I didn’t need anyone. It was me and Dolly, everything elsewas just noise. I was the strength of a castle, and I could weather any storm. Dolly depended on me to. With that comforting thought, I handed Nikki my plate, and she scooped a serving of pasta on it.
“Thank you,” I said when she handed it back to me.
“Yeah, sure. I mean, of course,” Nikki replied. And, I saw it there. A crack in her performance of calm. Two could play at that game, I thought. So, I straightened my mask and turned away toward the rest of community day.
“So,” Tilly said when I sat down, “are you going to do something about the chemistry between you and Nikki?”
“There’s no chemistry,” I said.
“I saw how she gave you pasta,” Tilly continued.
“The same way she gave everyone else pasta.”
Danielle placed a hand on Tilly’s arm, “Even I think you’re reaching here, babe.”
