“Did you think I wanted to hurt you?” Her silence guts me. “Connie…” I want to hold her, to take her in my arms, but she steps back. “I wanted you to be happy. After a week in a daydream with you, I went home to find my ex-boyfriend had come back to our apartment from his vacation. We had to find new separate places to live and break our lease. I had to get a second job to pay rent, and I still couldn’t swing it. I ended up moving back home, but the financial stress built up. That week with you was something out of a fairytale, but I was drowning when I had to come back to reality.”
Her voice is quiet again. “It was real to me.”
“Of course, it was real,” I sigh. Nothing is coming out right. How can I tell this girl what she means to me and not sound insane? I feel insane.
“But clearly it didn’t matter,” she says, “I didn’t matter. I understand, Eric. I understand that you had very important things to take care of. I understand that you had immense stress and pressure. I’d even understand if our week at the festival was just an exciting distraction for you. Because I always understand. But that does not change how it hurt me, how you hurt me, when you shut me out. How it still hurts because you gave me hope, and I thought we both respected each other enough to be honest. But even then, hell, even now, I understand why you weren’t, and I hate that I can’t let myself hate you for it.”
She’s right in my face, searching my eyes. I wonder if she can see the hurt there from back then, from letting her go, the hurt I see in hers. She’s so close, and those eyes…
She’s so close to me that our noses bump slightly, but neither of us turns away or steps back. She reaches up and touches my face, and it’s like the invitation every molecule in me has been waiting for, because I let go, and my mouth is on hers in an instant.
It’s a lustful and hungry kind of kiss, open mouthed, as if we need to devour each other in this moment. My hands are gripping her, one on her lower back and the other cupping her ass. Connie’s arms have wrapped around my neck, one hand clawing up my neck and into my hair.
“Fuck,” I say.
Then, there’s a knock at the door.
“Can I come in?” It’s Ash, speaking through the door.
Connie and I jump apart as she turns to the mirror to fix her hair. “One second!” She turns to me and pleads, “Not a word to anyone please.”
I agree that I would rathernotstart the rumor mill before I even know the truth.
14 – Connie – Then
Day three of the festival, and Lilli and I woke up too late for the free breakfast provided by the hotel. Instead, we raided my snack bag for protein bars and individual bags of chips, both kind of emotionally hungover from the day before. Lilli, on the other hand, was buzzing from her time with Chris.
“She’s such a gentleman,” she said as she washes her face. “And her skin care routine is ridiculous. Like, that kind of dedication is hot.”
“You guys really hit it off. What were you guys doing in her room?”
Lilli blushed. “Oh, you know, she was showing me her bookshelf.”
“Her bookshelf?”
“Yeah, and then she read me some Shakespear. You know me—I don’t really understand half of it, but she was saying really pretty words, and then we kind of made out.”
I laughed. “Yeah, Eric and I assumed as much.”
Shame and embarrassment rose in her, but it wasn’t what I intended. “Lilli, hey, I didn’t mean anything by it.”
Lilli crumpled on the floor and sobbed, and it took me by surprise. “Lillipad, what’s wrong? Did she hurt you?” Lilli shook her head emphatically. “Did she say something mean to you?”
Again, Lilli shook her head no, now accompanied with a big sniffle as I handed her a tissue. I was running out of guesses as to what happened.
“So, what happened? Why are you upset? Do I need to fight someone? Because, I mean, I’m not really a fighter, so I’ll have to try my best.”
Lilli coughs out a wet laugh. “I just…I didn’t expect it to happen this way. I don’t want to say I regret it, because I don’t think I regret my first time being with her, but…”
“Woah, wait, you guys had sex? I thought you said you made out.”
“We did make out! And then some.”
“Oh my gosh, Lilli! Wait, why didn’t you tell me?”
She kind of flung her arms around, gesturing at me. “Because you’re you.”
“What does that mean?”
