“I go with the intention of buying something nice, but then when I see the clothes, I get this little voice in my head that tells me that I’d look ridiculous in it or I’m too fat for it. Not like a real voice or anything,” I clarify, realising how crazy I sound,“just my own critical voice telling me I don’t deserve nice things. Anyway, I usually end up getting upset and not buying anything. Then I get upsetbecauseI didn’t buy anything, and the whole cycle starts again. So I end up wearing the same old thing day in, day out. That’s why I won’t make you come shopping with me. I don’t want to subject you to my stupid reactions to normal things.”
At some point, without realising, I must have looked away from Connor as I spoke. Feeling embarrassed, I tuck my hair behind my ear and wait for Connor to speak, to dismiss my feelings as ‘stupid woman hormones’ as Rhys always had.
“Look at me,” he says softly, but there’s no mistaking his commanding tone.
I turn my eyes towards him but keep my face turned away.
“I’m glad you talked to me, I know how hard it must have been for you. But now I need you to understand a couple of things, okay?”
I give him a small nod and turn to face him a little bit more.
“First of all, I want you to feel like you can talk to me about anything, any time. I might not always say the right thing, but I promise I’ll always listen and never judge you. I just want to be there for you. Okay?”
Again I nod.
“Second, we need to do something about your self-esteem and get you to realise just how beautiful you are.”
Oh, shit.
I don’t know where to look. After darting my eyes around for something to focus on other than Connor’s serious face, I finally gaze at the cuffs of my hoodie and pick at a loose thread.
“There is literally nothing you could wear that would look bad on you. Even your fluffy dressing gown and slippers look good on you. But me telling you that doesn’t mean shit if youdon’t believe it yourself, and I really wish you would. That’s my second promise. I’m going to make you realise how incredible you are. The rest of the world sees it. It’s time you did too.”
Wow. The difference between this and my previous conversations with Rhys… Well, there’s no comparison. Any attempts at speaking to Rhys about this sort of thing always led to me feeling worse, so in the end I stopped bothering. But speaking to Connor makes me feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel heard, validated.
“And my third promise—”
“Don’t you think two promises is enough to be going on with?” I laugh and Connor laughs with me, the tension broken a little bit.
“My third promise,” he says, “is to take you shopping and get you an outfit that makes you feel as good on the inside as you look on the outside. Today, so you don’t have chance to back out.”
Chapter 10
There’s always room for romance
I hate shopping. Loathe it. Would rather shit in my hands and clap than roam the shopping centre in search of clothes for myself.
Yet here I am, in the middle of the shopping centre, searching for clothes for myself. At least my hangover has now subsided, thanks to Connor’s early intervention and a hot, cleansing shower.
The shopping centre is a half-hour drive from Connor’s house, the entirety of which I spent fidgeting in my seat uncomfortably. Connor talked the whole way here about nothing in particular, and I nodded along, muttering the occasional ‘Oh, really?’ but not really taking much in. I knew what was going to happen, and I was mortified by the idea of spiralling in front of Connor. Having a meltdown in front of anyone would be embarrassing, but in front of the man who teased me mercilessly for years? I decided by the time we parked the car that, should I have a full-blown panic attack in front of him today, I wouldmove to Australia and start a new life there, simply to avoid the inevitable taunting that would follow. Yes, Connor has been lovely since we agreed to the truce, but leopards can’t change their spots, right?
So now, here we are, in the middle of the huge shopping mall, people rushing by in all directions. Everyone seems to be power walking between shops, bags swinging from their hands, eyes glued to their phones so they can’t see where they’re going or what they’re walking into. Panic starts to creep in, and I shuffle a little closer to Connor. Sensing my unease, he throws his arm across my shoulders and pulls me near enough to smell his comforting, warm scent. I breathe it in and feel my heart rate start to slow back to a normal pace.
“How about grabbing a coffee first?” he says.
“Good idea.”
Connor guides me towards the coffee shop, and we join the long queue, his arm still around my shoulders. We order our drinks to go, and give our names. I pay (despite Connor’s many protests), and wait at the end of the counter for them to be made.
“Thanks for coming with me,” I say after a couple of minutes of awkward silence.
“No problem.” He smiles down at me. “I’ll always be there if you need me.”
He sounds so genuine that I wonder if this leopardhaschanged. Is it possible that Connor is genuinely a good guy now? Before I have chance to respond, the barista calls my name.
“Tilly?” He looks around and his eyes fall on me as I step forward to claim my drink.
“That’s me, thanks.” I step out of Connor’s hold and reach for my skinny caramel latte, but the barista pulls it out of reach.
