“When it was revealed that you created it.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“The motivation is gone. It used to be part of me, something I did all the time. I don’t even know if I miss it or not.”
“Have you been working on anything else?”
“No. I’ve tried, but then I feel guilty about not working onMonstrous Sea.”
“Why do you feel guilty?”
“Part of it’s the fans, I guess. They’ve been reading it so long, and it’s so close to the end, I feel like I’m letting them down. Iamletting them down. But the other part is the story itself ... never mind. It’s stupid.”
“Nothing’s stupid, Eliza. What about the story?”
“I feel like I’m letting the story down. Like I’m not worthy of it because I couldn’t finish it.”
“Does that bother you often?”
“I’ve had a few nightmares about it.”
“Nightmares?”
“Like ... ‘getting eaten by sea monsters’ type nightmares. So that’s normal, right?”
“It’s normal to have nightmares when you’re stressed, yes. I’ve met artists before who have experienced similar feelings—not feeling worthy of their own work, guilt over an incomplete piece, anxiety about what their fans want and how they might deliver it. It’snormal, but that doesn’t mean it’s alwayshealthy. Eliza, your worth as a person is not dependent on the art you create or what other people think of it.”
“Then ... what is it dependent on? What is there beyond what we create and leave behind?”
“Do you believe the people of highest worth are those whoonlydo excellent work?”
“Well ...”
“Let me put it this way: your brothers are athletes, aren’t they?”
“Yes.”
“If they lose a game, don’t they risk also losing supporters?”
“I guess.”
“Does that make their lives worth less than those of two boys who only win?”
“Of course not. That would be ridiculous. It’s just a game.”
“They might say the same ofMonstrous Sea. It’s only a comic.”
“It’s still different.”
“I think you might be surprised how thin the lines between art and sports really are—some artists consider their craft a sport, and some athletes consider their sport an art. My point is, weascribe value to the things we care most about, but sometimes we don’t stop long enough to take a look at the bigger picture. You are able to see who your brothers are, separate from what they do and accomplish, but you have trouble doing the same for yourself.”
“I ... maybe ...”
“Worth as a person is not based on any tangible evidence. There’s no test for it, no scale. Everyone’s got their own idea of what it is. But I can tell you thatMonstrous Seais not the measure of your value in life, Eliza. Whether or not you finish it does not determine if you should live or die.”
“But ... Wallace. Wallace was offered a book deal for his transcription of the story, and it would completely change his life, but the publisher doesn’t want it unless it’s done. If I don’t finish, he’s going to lose everything.”
