“I don’t know, Jess. I know he’s not happy.”
“And so that works, since you’re not happy either.”
I mulled this over. “I thought I was doing okay, before all this. I’d kind of sworn off guys, you know?”
“Yes, I remember our chat about you turning into your spinster aunt,” Jess joked.
“But, was Ihappy? Not exactly. I was existing.”
“And now?”
I smiled. “It’s hard to explain.”
“It’s really not. You found your soulmate, and you’re head over heels in love with him again—”
“Well—”
“Only he’s a fucking mess,” Jess finished.
“Oh my God, Jess. He just needs to get his shit together. Develop a healthier lifestyle. According to his doctors, he could still live a long time.”
“Or he could have another stroke any second,” she pointed out.
“Jesus! What are you so salty about?”
“Listen, nobody wants him to be okay more than I do. Because I loveyou.And I know how much he means to you. But, I’ve got to be real with you. I definitely think this whole thing is kind of fucked up. He’s in a relationship. And there’s achildinvolved. The Netflix thing is going to end. She’s going to come back at some point, and, I just—I don’t know. That house you’re visiting every night istheirs,that’s all I’m saying. This has gotten way bigger than just some summer camp fling.”
Even though I knew it was true, the words stung.
“You still there?” Jess asked.
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“Listen, I’m just looking out for you. I’m afraid of this whole thing. I feel like you were finally moving on from this part of your life, and all of a sudden, you're right back where you were seven years ago.”
“Listen, I hear you and I appreciate the concern. I wish I could explain it. I know it doesn’t make sense, and I’m risking having myheart broken, but once I saw him again, I just… I don’t know…” my voice trailed off.
“I get it. One question, though.”
“What is it?”
“What would Matt do if he knew the whole truth?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. I’d like to think it wouldn’t change anything.”
Several seconds of silence followed. “Just be careful, Taylor.”
“I will. I mean, I am.”
“Also, I know this might sound morbid, but I want you to know I’ll be here for you if it all goes to shit somehow. No judgment. You can always come to me.”
Under normal circumstances, I would have rolled my eyes at a comment like that, even though I knew Jess meant it with all her heart. But the stakes were different now.Jess doesn’t understand. She’s never loved someone like this. Even though she’s married, it’s not the same. In sickness and in health sounds great in theory. Some people never have to put that to the test.
I was the maid of honor at Jessica’s wedding to Seth Goldstein last year. Held at a catering hall outside Greenwich, the couple entered into holy matrimony on a lovely Sunday in June. The whole time I stood beside my friend, I wondered if I would ever find someone to marry, which led me to wonder whether Matt was engaged yet—a possibility that kicked me down an abyss of daydreams about how it would have been if Matt and I had been able to fully realize our second chance. Our wedding would have been the perfect start to our happily ever after. Deep in my heart, I still believe this to be true, even now. Everything between us has always beeneasy, even when circumstances should have made it insanely hard for me to love him. After all this time, despite his stroke, despite his doctor’s appointments, despite thefact that he now describes himself as a shell of who he used to be, we have something unbreakable. We’re so aligned that I can still read his thoughts and offer exactly what he needs, and he knows how to communicate with me so I can be the best possible support system for him. There are couples who last an entire lifetime and don’t know each other as well as we do.
But, I know, Jess is right. We’renota couple. We’re two friends who love each other but are bound by circumstances beyond our control. It’s the worst and best kind of torture. We’re close but never quite close enough, partly because of his relationship status and partly because of his current health situation, leaving me always wanting more.
Oddly enough, some of the space in my heart is also being filled by Brett. Being needed is a powerful feeling, but it’s more than just that. I genuinely want to help her; she’s Matt’s blood, his baby, and by taking care of Brett, I know I’m also taking care of Matt.
