Diana joins me a moment later, pulling her coat tight around her middle.
“How did it go at the doctor?” I ask.
“Matthew had an episode this morning, shortly after you left—”
“Oh my God, did he have another stroke?”
“No, honey. I’m sorry, I should have worded it differently. It was an atrial fibrillation episode.”
I exhale, awash with momentary relief. “What does that mean exactly? He kind of explained A-fib to me, but I don’t really understand what an episode is.” I chew on the edge of my pinky nail.
“It’s kind of like an irregularity in the heartbeat that can lead to blood clots. This is what they’ve been looking for with the heartmonitor. If he gets another clot, it could lead to his brain and cause another stroke.”
“So, what did they do?”
“They put him on blood thinners for now.”
“Is it very bad?”
Diana sighs. “It’s manageable, I think.”
“Isn’t it good that he found out? So they can give him medicine and prevent another stroke from happening?”
“That’s an optimistic way of looking at things,” Diana replies. “Matt doesn’t see it that way, though.”
“How?”
“Well, before, he thought the stroke just came from smoking, which is a bad habit and was his own fault.”
“And now?”
“Now he knows that something is wrong with his heart. Certainly, the smoking didn’t help, and it may have been a big part of the reason for his health issues, but the underlying cause was something more than that. It’s a lot for him to process.”
I swallow. “There’s nothing wrong with his heart. Matt has the best heart of anyone I know.”
Diana nods solemnly. “I agree,” she says. Tears fill her eyes.
“What is it?” I ask, shifting in my chair to face Diana.
“He’s very upset, Taylor. I really shouldn’t say anything more than that.” She takes a breath, blowing out through her lips on the exhale, placing her hands on her knees, preparing to stand up. “But I wanted you to know about the atrial fibrillation. I’ll let Matt fill you in on the rest.”
My stomach drops as Diana rises from her seat. The lack of an invitation inside the house speaks volumes. “Should I, um, just wait here for him?”
Diana nods. “Sure. You can do that.” As she opens the door to the house, my eyes swell with salty tears. Diana turns back to look at me. “Whatever he says, just remember how much he loves you, Taylor. We all do.” She covers her mouth to stifle a sob, then lets herself back inside and gently closes the door behind her.
With nothing left to do but await the impending consequences of whatever version of the truth Leyla shared with Matt, I go over the beginning in my mind. I call up all the details in a way that I haven’t allowed myself to in months. It was almost as if I was trying to will away that part of the story, like if I didn’t think about it, then maybe it didn’t actually happen.
But it did.
And now, there was nothing left to do but face it.
~
It was a rainy morning on March 8thwhen the phone rang at Trinity Youth Services. My assistant, Liz, answered. I was trying to get the numbers to work out on a budget spreadsheet I was creating for a grant application to a book warehouse. The center’s lending library was in desperate need of an overhaul, but the application specifically indicated that a salaried employee needed to be responsible for stewarding any book donation, and I couldn’t figure out how I could possibly afford to hire a librarian.
“It’s for you,” Liz called through the open door dividing my office from the general reception area.
“Who is it?” I wondered, lost in thought.
