Maybe I’m in hell.
Or purgatory.
Maybe I’m dead.
Maybe I can never return.
Maybe this is it.
Slowly, I stop walking.
I don’t see the point in continuing to walk. I’m not walking toward anything. I haven’t seen anyone or anything. The odds of my finding Sean are... Well, I can’t. I’m not a Finder. I can’t find anything. Not Sean. Not Mom. Not myself.
Mom will die without me. Maybe she already has. The test results had to be bad. They asked her to come in; they wouldn’t tell her over the phone. The cancer was back, and worse. I knew it, even if I didn’t let myself think it. Sure, I told myself over and over: think positive. But thinking positive can’t change facts.
Mom is sick.
I am lost.
But I couldn’t face the truth. That’s why I left, why I drove straight, why I left Mom alone to face the news by herself, why I let myself play house with Claire and Peter. What kind of person does that? A person who deserves this. A person who deserves to lose what she treasures. I deserve to be lost, to never see home again, to never swim in the ocean again.
I feel as if the ground is dissolving under me. I look down, and my legs look oddly transparent. At first, I think the dust is merely enveloping me, but then I spread my hands in front of my face. I can see through them.
Oh, God, what’s happening to me now?
This isn’t what’s supposed to happen! I’m supposed to find Sean, wait for Peter, and prove to Victoria that I can be trusted, maybe earn a little good will to help me survive longer until the Missing Man returns so I can return to Mom and tell her that I’m sorry that I left her when she needed me most and I won’t ever leave again. I picture Claire waiting for me in the desert, and Victoria beside her, waiting for her Sean...
My hands waver, and then suddenly they’re solid again. I look down, examining my legs...and I see a glint of silver from near my feet. I bend down and pick it up. It’s a ring. I examine it. A dark blue opaque stone mounted on a silver band.
As I stick it in my pocket, I hear a loud noise. It sounds, oddly, like a train. It chugs louder and louder, and I hear a whistle. I can’t tell what direction it’s coming from—it seems to be from everywhere at once. The dust whips around me, and sand flies in my eyes. Squinting, I block my eyes with my arms. Around me, the dust grows brighter. I peek through and see a light heading straight toward me.
Is that...
Holy shit, itisa train.
I don’t see tracks. I don’t know which way to move. If I move left, will I be hit? If I don’t, will I be hit? I freeze. And the train barrels out of the dust toward me.
I have to move. I can’tnotmove. Suddenly unfreezing, I lunge to the left. And I feel myself yanked off my feet. Strong hands hold my arms. I’m pulled onto the train. Wind whips past me. The train is screaming, crying, howling, as it thunders through the void. The whistle blares, obliterating the silence.
“Hold on!” Peter shouts in my ear.
He releases me, and I cling to a metal bar. The train is a black steam engine, the kind from an old movie. I see bits and pieces of black iron through the dust. I’m holding on to the side of it, near where the engineer should be but isn’t.
Peter climbs onto the top. He holds his hand out.
He wants me to climb?
No. No, no, no. That’s insane.
He crouches and holds his hand lower. He’s grinning wildly, and I feel my face curl into a smile. I can’t resist the look in his eyes. It’s full of joy, infectious, wild joy. It reminds me of waves crashing onto the beach.
I take his hand, and he pulls me up. I crouch on the top of the engine. He whoops at the top of his lungs, and the whistle blares as if answering him. He’s standing. His feet are firmly planted on the top of the train. Slowly, I stand beside him.
And we ride the train out of the void.
Chapter Thirteen
The train sails out of the dust and lands between the houses. It continues to punch by them, powering through porches, running over junk piles, until it slams into the side of a house...a yellow house with a white porch and a deli sign over the window in the front door.
