She sees Vaughn. and her face melts into a smile. “There’s my little boy. Hello,” she sings, taking him from my hands. “Did you have a good day with Grandma and your daddy?”
The word makes me flinch. She seems to catch it as well, looking my way to gauge my response. If my face looks as dead as I feel inside, it’s not pretty.
“You can come see him tomorrow all day,” she says, shrugging her work bag off her shoulder. “My mom will be here to help.”
“Great.” My tone is more lackluster than I mean it to be, but how can I not be upset?
Nothing in my life feels like it’s for me—the exact way it felt when Natalie broke up with me, and the way she stated so poeticallyin the note she wrote. Then Bri came into my life and encouraged me to turn that all upside down. And now she’s gone too.
Like my grandmother always said, a parent’s love for a child should be unconditional. Having Vaughn was Natalie’s decision, and I love him, but as Bri told me before, I’m allowed to have whatever feelings I have, and right now, I feel like I’ve gone backward, rewinding my life to the part of the story I hated most. I’m coming out of my chrysalis to find I’m still a fucking caterpillar.
Natalie steps closer to me. “Liem, I meant it when I said you don’t have to do this if you don’t want. This is a lot to take on when you didn’t have months to emotionally prepare for it like I did.”
“I’m not going to leave him, Nat.” When I get over the shock and the pain of losing Bri, I will realize how important this time is with him. It’s an adjustment. Whiplash, really. That’s my life.
“You don’t have to—”
“Please stop telling me to be a deadbeat dad. Seriously. I want to be here for Vaughn.”
I take him back, letting her shrug off her coat and shoes. Holding him again, my blood pressure calms. His baby scent soothes my mood, reminding me that I’m not upset abouthim, only the situation.
“Have you talked to Bri today?” Natalie asks.
Hearing her say Bri’s name feels as jarring asdaddy. “No.”
“This week?”
I sigh. “Why does it matter?”
“Because you love her? And it’s weird for you to not talk to someone you love?” She poses both as a question, implying I’m an idiot for not piecing that together already.
“I’m not sure it’s going to work out between us now.”
“Why not?”
The desire to roll my eyes is fierce. “Because nothing’s more romantic than having a baby with someone else,” I quip. “Don’t beobtuse.”
She crosses her arms, forgiving me with a sigh. “You’re so different now. Less meek, more confident. Before, you would never have expressed yourself and your wants the way you have been,” she says. “You’re pissed at me, as you should be.”
“I’m not—Okay, Iampissed, but not because Vaughn exists.”
“I understand.” She strokes a finger over his curls. “I made the choice I did because having him made my life feel complete. You deserve to feel that too, not only with Vaughn. You deserve everything you want out of life.”
“Tell that to life.”
She laughs gently. “Vaughn is too young to remember if you were here two months or two days. Please go talk to her. Go see her. Something.”
“She doesn’t want to talk to me.”
“And did she tell you that, or are you being pessimistic and assuming the worst?”
No fucking shit I’m being pessimistic. There is no sunshine in my life without Bri. “She hasn’t called me in weeks.”
“Are you aware your phone also makes calls?”
I don’t want to answer her. I’m very much done with the conversation altogether.
“You were the one who told me I can’t be there for Vaughn if I can’t be here for myself. The same applies to you,” she says. “If you want to be here and be happy, what do you need?”
