Bri
My heart is broken, but time stops for no one.
Liem is still in New York, and that’s likely where he’ll stay. He didn’t call me the next day, or the day after. We haven’t talked outside of “I love you” texts. I wondered if he’d seen Natalie and remembered the life he wanted with her. The life he wanted with me, but with the bonus of a baby I could never give him.
How am I supposed to feel? Losing Liem to his ex the moment I admitted the truth to myself. Yet again, someone provided the person I love something I can’t. A body uncompromised and unclaimed by a disease.
My life in San Francisco feels new and old at the same time. I’ve been subletting from a coworker’s mother since I arrived, trying to land an apartment in the five-minute window it’s available before someone else takes it. The market is fast, and work is faster.
This apartment checks all the boxes. Good location, small but not too small, a great layout I can already picture how to arrange, and none of it matters. I’m lost to the world right now, dying slowly in a dark fog of lament.
It’s one of those days when I can’t stop thinking about my momma—a day I would give up anything to talk to her again. The wisdom she would have in this moment . . . I feel lost, alone, unsure how to continue on with a life that seems intent on keeping me in pain.
Out of tears and out of hope, I am empty in the worst way possible. My mind doesn’t often run to places as dark as that, but I’m surrounded by reminders that I am all I can rely on. So, that’s what I’m doing.
Before the sorrow can overtake me again, the realtor calls myattention. I didn’t hear what they said. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Do you like it?”
The apartment seems trivial at this point. “Yes. It’s great.”
“These units are moving fast, so if you’re interested, you should submit your application before you leave.”
They always are.If this was the place, I would feel it. Taking a few minutes won’t change anything.
Half of the excitement I had for my future is gone, and it kills me that it is. A new job, new start, and now I have to do it all without Liem. Keisha is happy for me, so is Junie, but they did this years ago.Years.For the first time in a long while, I’m not standing still. I’m moving in a different direction. And so is Liem.
I miss him.
On the way out, my phone buzzes in my hand. Another email from work, not a text or call from Liem. He is giving me space to process. He’s probably taking time to process as well. I want to call him, to talk to him, but I can’t fall apart when I’m just starting to piece myself back together. Maybe by his birthday in a few weeks, I’ll be able to talk to him without crying my eyes out.
~
The Bay Area is night and day to SoCal. I’m still adjusting to the pace, the density, and thehills. It reminds me of Seattle, and that reminds me of Liem, and May, and his lovely mom, then I wonder what his baby looks like and I’m back to being sick and on the verge of tears. The best way I’ve been getting through this mess is diving headfirst into my work, accepting every opportunity I have to learn, finding it’s closer to what I imagined as a kid than I thought. We go into blank spaces and put life into them.
They gave me two weeks to learn the programs and study the company’s branding materials, but I caught on in three days.Responding to emails is more of a challenge for me, seeing as my default is to be too casual. None of the clients who were sent my way seemed put off by it, though, telling me they enjoyed how blunt I was when answering their questions. I’m doing well, or at least it feels that way. I’m spending my days creating museum experiences, lingering in what makes me the calmest, and it hasn’t felt like work yet.
I worked from home yesterday, enjoying the company of my heating pad while my bitch of an ovary ejected an egg again. Today, I have a meeting with a potential client in the office, and I’m feeling much better. Physically speaking.
The office is sunnier today than yesterday, the windows cracked open, letting in a bit of a cool breeze to offset the heat the sun radiates in through the wall of windows. The faces of my lovely coworkers are plastered in smiles, the air bubbling with laughter. Three weeks in and I’m as thankful as ever to have this job. Hands-on days, the constant moving pieces of varying puzzles. Busy hands and a busy mind leave me little time to mourn, but it doesn’t seem fair to be surrounded by so much joy when I’m trapped in sorrow.
I barely set my purse onto my desk before Lisa pops up beside me. “Bri, can you come talk to us for a moment?”
“Us?”
“Yes. Jace’s request.” My boss, whom I’ve seen twice since I started.
My mind, in its current state, goes directly to a doomsday scenario. Surely I’m not getting fired already.I’ve had good feedback on the projects so far, and three weeks is barely enough time to fuck something up. Did I fuck something up? I must have. What was it?
“Sure,” is all I vocalize.
I follow Lisa into Jace’s office. She stands up at our arrival with a grin. I relax. Only great news comes with a Jace smile. “Bri. Just who I wanted to see.”
Lisa closes the door behind me, but neither of them sits. I don’teither. In my mind, the minute my ass lands in a chair is the minute it gets real, and more bad news will be dropped right into my lap.
“How are you liking the job so far?” Jace asks me.
“It’s a dream come true. I love it.”
