CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO ~ ABBY ~ NOW
“Ohh, Edinburgh, how I love you, but you’re showing me just how out of shape I am.”
This breathless lament comes from Drew as we collapse on a grassy spot on top of Calton Hill.After spending the day in North Berwick, we returned to the city for dinner and a walk.When Fern suggested watching the sunset from Calton Hill, my heart flip-flopped, and my mind raced to formulate excuses.Ultimately, I’d dismissed each one as more ludicrous than the last.
“My legs are actuallyshaking,” Drew says.
“Mine too,” Fern says as she massages the backs of her thighs.
“And you live an active lifestyle!”Drew says.“Walking and yoga and all kinds of other things.Abby, you’re awfully quiet.How are you faring?”
“My thigh muscles are spasming,” I admit.“I got used to all the hills and stairs fairly quickly the last time, but I guess we’re not in our twenties anymore, are we?And I have extra flights of stairs each day at MacKinlay Tower.”
“No wonder Graeme has such firm thighs,” Fern says.
“You’ve been noticing Graeme’s thighs, eh?”Drew asks in a teasing tone.
Fern’s eyes flick briefly to mine before returning to Drew, making me wonder if she’s recalling our conversation from the night of our slumber party.“I know he’s your brother-in-law, but don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”
Drew tilts her head in concession.“I cannot tell a lie,” she says airily.“You could bounce a quarter off that man’s ass.”
I laugh under my breath and shake my head as the two of them cackle.
“Are you offended that we’re objectifying our friend?”Drew asks.
“No, sorry, I was lost in thought.”Lost in memories would be more accurate.Images and sensations play through my mind and body: Graeme telling me he loved me on this very hill.The crushing sadness and guilt of knowing I was the reason both of us were hurting.The way my heart felt like a caged bird, and the knowledge I had the power to set that proverbial bird free and let it soar, but I was too afraid.I’mstilltoo afraid.
Fern hops up suddenly and waves at someone in the distance.“There’s that busker I went out for coffee with the other day.I’ll be back.”
Drew chuckles as we watch Fern jog away.She waves at Brodie, who’s standing with Graeme near the Dugald Stewart Monument, talking to their parents on speaker phone, then bumps my shoulder with hers.“What about you, my love?You looked like you were having some Big Feelings when you were lost in thought.”
I’mbrimmingwith Big Feelings and have been since we arrived in Scotland.Not for the first time, I’m tempted to spill everything to Drew.While I know she’d understand, there’s always been a part of me that wants to keep this just for myself.There’s something about the time Graeme and I spent together in a romantic capacity that feels almost sacred.
And so I opt to tell the truth without telling the whole truth.“Graeme and I came up here to watch the sunset on my last night in Scotland.”
“Ahh.”She gives me a knowing look, and for a second, I think shedoesknow.“So you’re feeling nostalgic?That’s understandable.”She loops an arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer, resting the side of her head against mine.“Everything changed so much when you came back home, and I know you struggled to adjust.For ages, I felt like you’d rather be here than there.”
