“The day we met...why were you so adamant that we be friends andonlyfriends?”
The question takes me by surprise, as does Graeme’s straightforward delivery.With our hands still tangled, I pull him toward the couch so we can sit.“The simple answer is Drew.She and Brodie hadn’t been together long, but there was clearly something special between them.I didn’t want to risk messing that up by developing a crush on Brodie’s brother or maybe even taking it further and having it end badly.Drew has had so much hurt and disappointment in her life, and I’d do anything to prevent being the cause of more inanyway.”
“Even at the expense of your own happiness?”Graeme asks.
His question pokes at something tender in me, making my tone defensive as I say, “It wasn’t, though.”I sigh, sitting back further on the couch and angling to face Graeme.“I knew if Drew and Brodie stayed together, you and I would be in each other’s lives in some capacity, and I figured being friends was...safe.I’d never had a boyfriend or evendatedanyone, and the thought of letting someone in like that scared me.I’d learned it was safe to have friends, tohold ontofriends.When Drew said we’d be best friends forever, I believed her.The idea of romantic love felt completely different, though.It would mean letting someone all the way in, trusting them with my heart, and I wasn’t ready for that.”
I don’t add that I’m not sure if I’m readynow, even years later.
“And you never saw me as anything other than a friend?”Graeme asks.“Never...thought about more?Wantedmore?”
There’s a hint of uncertainty and vulnerability in his voice that I’m unaccustomed to.Part of me wants to say no and end this discussion.Stop before we reach the point of no return.I never expected to have a conversation like this with him.Never thought I’d have a reason to reveal I’ve had decidedlyun-friendlike feelings for him that I tried hard to bury deep.I’m good at burying things, but my feelings for Graeme are buoyant and resilient, and would never stay down for long.
“You made it impossible not to want more.”My voice is so quiet, Graeme has to lean in to hear me.“I drew that line and put us in the friend zone, but that didn’t stop me from wanting more.Not acknowledging it kept me safe, though.Staying on my side of the line meant I couldn’t have my heart broken.”A mirthless laugh slips past my lips.“All these years of being careful and not allowing myself the one thing I truly wanted, and now I’m going to have my heart broken anyway.”
Graeme makes a soft sound of dismay and inches closer to me.He holds out his palm, and I place mine in it, loving the way his large hand folds around mine.He stares at our joined hands and laughs softly, shaking his head.
“What?”I ask.
“Sorry.”He shakes his head again.“I’m fighting an internal war at the moment.You’ve just confirmed what I never allowed myself to hope for, but you’re leaving in a little over twenty-four hours.”
Hearing it reduced to hours like that makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
Graeme’s grip tightens on mine, and he shifts closer to me until our knees bump.“Hear me out.I know it’s likely foolish to pursue anything when we’re going to be living separate lives soon, but what if we take the next couple of weeks and let ourselves feel everything we haven’t allowed ourselves to feel before?You said yourself that your heart will be broken regardless, and god knows mine will be too.So if we’re going to be brokenhearted regardless, why not make some incredible memories first?”
Staying would make it even harder to say goodbye.And yet, at this point, it’s a given I’m going to miss Graeme, just like it’s a given I’m going to miss Scotland.Both he and this place feel like home.Whether I leave the day after tomorrow or in a couple of weeks, I’ll have to learn to adjust to life without him.
“If I stayed, what would that look like for us?”I ask.
“What would youwantit to look like?”
My cheeks tingle with heat.The soft smile on Graeme’s face tells me the blush is visible.“More of this,” I say, squeezing his hand.“And...more kissing.”
His gaze dips to my lips and lingers there for a moment before returning to mine.“I like the sound of that.What other hesitations do you have about staying?”
“I don’t know how Drew would react.She’s already struggling with the idea of us living apart, even though we’ll technically be in the same city.”
“I have a feeling she’ll be surprised and maybe even shocked, but she always supports you, no matter what,” Graeme says.“Consider it practice for living apart.When you move to Toronto, you won’t see each other every day like you have the last four years.”
“Right,” I say slowly.“And...would we let them believe we’re still just friends?”
“Does that mean we’re more than friends now, Pumpkin Spice?”he asks with a lopsided grin that makes my stomach clench.
I shove his shoulder with my free hand, and he chuckles.“I don’t know what we are.It’s kind of a grey area.”
“Fitting, considering where we are.”He motions toward the window, where the grey sky is visible over a row of grey buildings.“I know you tell Drew everything, just as I tell Brodie everything, but maybe we don’t need to tell them about this.Not keep it secret necessarily, just...let it be something for us andonlyus.”
Feeling antsy, I slip my hand from Graeme’s and get to my feet.I pace around the room before gravitating toward the window.The rainbow over Arthur’s Seat is gone now, and the sky is full of fluffy clouds.Graeme was right earlier when he said I was a sunshine girl; I’ve always loved sunny days and blue skies.The grey and rain of Edinburgh don’t bother me, though.With its old-world charm, it’s an atmospheric city that lends itself nicely to rainy days and moody skies.I might grow tired of it eventually and crave more sun, but we’re not talking about anything long-term here.Graeme is asking for a couple more weeks, and I’m dangerously close to agreeing.
I sense him behind me a second before his hands settle on my shoulders.He kneads my tense muscles as he leans in to nuzzle my neck, the roughness of his stubble soon replaced by his soft lips.
“You’re making it hard to think,” I tell him.
“Want me to stop?”he murmurs, his breath tickling me and causing goosebumps to race along my skin.
“No.”I turn to face him.His hands fall to my hips while my arms wind around his neck.“You know this could be a colossal mistake, right?Not me staying, but us doingthis.”I wave a hand, even though he can’t see it, then bury my fingers in his thick hair.
He closes his eyes and bends so his forehead rests against mine.“If you agree to stay, I think we’ll need to resolve to live in the moment and take things day by day.We can act like there’s no end date, and just enjoy our time together.”
