“What do you want?” He parrots my question, a deflection if there ever was one. When I don’t answer, he goes on. “There’s obviously something between us, regardless of whether we’re ready to admit what that is or not. And if at least one of us is being honest, it’s been brewing long before that first kiss. Can you admit that much to me?”
He’s not wrong. I’ve spent weeks ignoring whatever this is between us. Pushing it down. Only allowing myself to give in to the fantasy at night, but only so far. Kissing him when all those bottled-up feelings fizzed out and over, making a mess of us both. I’ve been doing everything but facing the truth of them head-on.
I nod, my one concession, but even that small admission scares me to death. Because the real truth is, wanting Julian as much as I do terrifies me. Not just because falling for someone who may not want me back is scary, but also because he’s Andrew’s best friend. Now that everything is out in the open, I’m so afraid this feud between Andrew and I will wear Julian down the same way it’s worn down Elena and our parents. That eventually, he’ll choose Andrew over me the same way everyone else does.
“Was that really so hard for you to admit?” He covers my shaking hands with both of his. “Leticia?”
“I’m not good at this, Julian.” I shut my eyes tight. “That’s why we have this arrangement to begin with, remember? If you thought I was bad at dating, it’s got nothing on how bad I am atfeelings.”
He laughs when I pull a face, which brings some much needed levity to the moment.
“Don’t ask me another question without answering mine. What do you want, Julian?”
“I want whatever you want.” It’s an infuriating nonanswer, but when I try to turn away from him, his hands land on my waist. “I’m serious. I’d be lying if I said I wanted to stop whatever it is we’re doing, but if that’s what you want, then we’ll stop.”
“I don’t want to stop.” My hands work their way up his chest, smoothing the fabric of his soft T-shirt. “But I don’t want to be more than what we are right now.”
“Friends with benefits who also help each other date?” His brow quirks, and I laugh at the absurdity of that statement. “Well, I helpyoudate anyway. Which one might argue is a little one-sided, but—”
“I could help you, you know,” I say. “Date. I’ve been meaning to return the favor anyway.”
“That’s not necessary.” He shakes his head, but I’m already shaking mine. “Leti—”
“What if it’s what I want?” I ask. “I had options before we happened, and it’s clear you did too. I don’t want to get in the way of that. I want you to be able to follow through on any feelings you might have, even if it’s with someone else. I don’t mind.”Like hell I don’t.But I can’t expect him to wait around for me to figure out what I want either. Not when he had feelings for someone else at one point. “Really.”
“You don’t mind because you have options of your own you still want to see through?” he asks. “Options like Nathaniel?”
Nathaniel is uncomplicated. Kind, funny, outgoing. The type of person Elena always said I needed. He only met my parents once, and they already love him. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious about what being with Nathaniel would be like.
“I asked him if we could take a pause last night,” I say. “Then we commiserated on being over the ‘it’s complicated’ thing, and he offered an open invite to a second-date redo. Not sure I’ll take him up on it, though. A spade’s a spade, a hypocrite’s a hypocrite, or whatever the saying is.”
“But you’re curious what uncomplicated with Nathaniel looks like.” There he goes, reading my mind again. “Aren’t you?”
“It doesn’t matter—”
“Leticia.” His tone brokers no argument. “The truth. What do you want?”
I bite down on my lip, thinking. “I’m curious. That’s not the same as wanting a second chance with him.”
“Then what you want is to satisfy your curiosity about Nathaniel. Maybe even your other matches too,” he says. “Does that about sum it up?”
“Come on, you’re not actually suggesting I keep dating other people, are you?” I shake my head. “This is ridiculous. There’s no way you’d be okay with that.”
“And you’d be okay helping me date other people the same way I helped you?” he counters. “Besides, there is one way I’d be okay with this. Don’t you still have two other dates next weekend?”
“I haven’t gotten around to canceling them, if that’s what you mean.” I glance up at him. “Wherever your mind is going, it’s starting to scare me. Julian, please.”
“You really want to know what I want?” When I nod, he says, “I don’t want to be friends with you, Leticia. It’s not enough. Neither is our current arrangement of watching you date people I helped set you up with when we can’t keep our hands off each other. It’s not just messing with your head. It’s fucking with mine too.”
“Julian, I’m so sorry, I—”
“I’m not done,” he says. “I said there’s one way I can be okay with you dating other people, including Nathaniel. And you should, if exploring something uncomplicated with someone else is really what you want. But I have one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“Go out with me too,” he says. “Give me a third first date.”
34
