“Don’t get too ahead of yourself.” My mouth quirks up nonetheless. Maybe I can forgive the tardiness if he keeps up the banter. The way he’s looking at me doesn’t hurt either. But he still has a ways to go before climbing out of that hole. When the waiter arrives, we put in our orders and continue chatting.
“Do you have any siblings?” There are people who find small talk insufferable, and while I empathize with their plight, they fail to see it as the means to an end it is. The only way to get to the real stuff is to break past the surface first. To do that, you need to establish the basics.
“Nope.” He shakes his head. “You?”
“An older sister,” I say, because any mention of my younger brother even in an offhand way would inevitably bring up the hurt feelings that come with thinking about him for too long. This is only a first date, after all. I’ll bring Andrew up another time if this goes anywhere. “She’s the outgoing one between the two of us, always pushing me out of my comfort zone to try new things. She used to force me out of the house more until she had her first kid.” I pull out my phone to show him pictures of my adorable niece and nephew.
“First kid?” he asks, eyes widening slightly. He sounds a bit too surprised for my liking. “How old is she?”
“Twenty-nine.” We’re only three years apart. “She was twenty-three when she got married and twenty-four when she had her first kid.”
“Twenty-four? That’s my age, and I’ve never been anywhere close to marriage.” He shudders. “What is it with young people nowadays? Is there nothing better to do around here than end your life right before it starts?”
“That’s a little dramatic.” Immediately, I set down my phone. There’s no way I’m showing him cute pictures of Alicia and Mateo now. And there’s a good one of the two stuffed in a giant pumpkin we carved together last October. “Some people figure out what they want early in life.”
But not me.
“Fair point. We’ll say they ‘settle early.’ Maybetooearly,” Julian says, and I can’t quite fault him for believing that. It’s the same way I think about people from high school, when nothing but engagement photos and baby pictures flood my timeline. It’s inconceivable that I’ve arrived at an age where these steps are normal, even commonplace, when the most I have to show for myself at twenty-six is my first full-time job, over fifty hours a week playing video games on theinternet, and the shittiest healthcare plan known to man. Does it feel too early because I’m nowhere near that put together, or are they all just as lost as I am behind their glossy social media pages?
“Maybe,” I say, because my thoughts are too complicated for first date conversation. They’re too…exposing. Shine a light on all the insecurities I’d much rather hide. “It does sound kind of nice, though.”
“What does?” he asks. “Settling?”
“Settling down.” I shrug. “Having the life everyone else has. At least then I’d be able to relate to them more.”
“Huh.” I don’t know what that sound from him means, or the inexplicable look in his deep-set brown eyes. “Funny. I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less.”
I bristle at his words. I knew I should’ve left it alone. Now that I’ve opened up the conversation like this, I’ve given him leeway to pick and probe at my insides.
“Oh, great. Another commitment-phobe in the dating pool. What else is new?” I scoff to myself, praying for our food to come faster.
“I’m not a commitment-phobe.” He’s the one bristling now, and it sends a wave of pleasure down my spine to have turned the tables on him. “I— That came out wrong. That’s not how I meant it at all.”
“Oh, so you didn’t mean to say that getting married and having kids is akin to throwing your life away?”
“Look, maybe it’s great for some people. I’m not discounting that. Maybe it really does fill them with joy to marry their high school sweetheart and have two-point-five kids by the ripe old age of twenty-five. But is it really foreveryone? I can’t scroll through any form of social media without being bombarded by baby pictures and wedding announcements.” His voice lowers to a commiserating whisper. “This is a safe space. You can be honest. Don’t you get sick of it?”
He’s not wrong. That’s half the reason I don’t use social media anymore, except for my gaming accounts. It only reminds me of how far behind I am compared to the people I grew up with. How envious I can be for a life I don’t even want.
“You have a point.” I give a begrudging nod. “My Instagram feed is a special kind of hell these days. Enough time on it will make me believe I’m doing this whole adult thing wrong.”
“Exactly.” He nods, looking relieved. “When we hit our thirties, we’re gonna see an emergence of post-divorce, midlife crisis posts and feel much better about ourselves.”
“I’m sure that’s a comforting thought for you.” I force a smile. “If also extremely petty.”
“Hey, it’s my only defense at this point.” He laughs.
The waiter arrives with our food, and for a moment we lapse into silence. I’m not tempted to flee anymore, but I’m also a hundred percent sure this date is a dud. As much as I agree with him, I can’t let myself fall into the trap of petty, bitter sentiment. All the people I care about fit this traditional mold of life in one way or another. Maybe I can’t relate to them, but the best I can do is be happy for them. Even if that means bottling up the loneliness I can never quite seem to shake when I’m around them.
“What is it you’re looking for, then, if not to settle down anytime soon?” If he’s looking for a hookup or casual relationship, this night is a bust. Well, more of a bust than it is already. But maybe he’s like me—searching for something real, even if it’s unconventional.
“I never said I’m opposed to settling down,” he says. “There are different ways to grow roots, don’t you think? You don’t need to get married and have kids to do that.”
“Yeah, I guess there are.”
“When most people get married, their world narrows. It becomes all about the spouse and kids, with little room for anyone or anythingelse. Maybe it’s not intentional, at least at first. But it happens. And then one day you realize you gave up on all the dreams you once had for yourself, left all your friends behind, and barely recognize yourself in the mirror. That’s the last thing I want.”
That’s the last thing I want either, but I’m still not sure what to make of him. For all his criticism of conventional adulthood, he still hasn’t told me what heislooking for. I might be on the fence about ever having kids, but I still want a partner who’s committed to me. Someone to come home to at the end of the day, to travel the world with, to grow old and gray with. Ultimately it’s on me for jumping the gun yet again, but for a second there I thought I could see myself doing that with Julian. I should know better than to go from zero to a hundred before we’ve been on one singular date.
