My heart expands in my chest at his explanation.He gets it.Julian gets it in a way I always hoped Steven would, long before Iknew what terms likegraysexualandace-specmeant. In a way I continuously fear the people I date never will.
“I feel the exact same way.” His eyes soften at whatever expression must be on my face, giving away my roiling emotions. I turn over on my back, hoping that if I don’t look him in the face, I’ll be able to get this out easier. “But it’s so much harder than I expected to find someone else who does. I mean, you know. You saw how my last date turned out.”
“If it helps, she’s an idiot to turn you down for that.”
“It’s not the first time someone has said as much to me, but it still stings.”
He doesn’t respond right away, but his expression gives away something is on his mind.
“What is it?”
“Can I ask you something that doesn’t have to do with helping you?” He turns to better face me. “Or, maybe it will. I’m not sure yet.”
“Sure,” I say. “But I reserve the right to refuse to answer if I’m not comfortable with the question.”
“Fair enough,” he says. “You told her about a bad relationship followed by a terrible first date that made you quit dating. Was I the terrible date?”
I let out a long sigh. It was only a matter of time before he asked me that. “Yeah. You were the terrible first date. But you’re not the reason I quit dating for four years.”
“Why did you?”
“The relationship before, though that’s a generous word for it.” I let out a laugh that’s more of a scoff. “We only went on one official date, but we hung out all the time. He was one of those guys who didn’t believe in labels, and I wanted something more serious than he could offer.”
“That sucks,” he says. “How did it end?”
“I told him I wasn’t attracted to him…sexually.” My nose scrunches as an image of Steven’s red, angry face burns behind my retinas. “We were on the quad, and a group of sorority girls were passing behind me when I said it. God, the way they laughed after the words burst out of me. I completely humiliated him. Then he stormed off and I never heard from him again.”
“Oh, Leti.” He doesn’t laugh or crack a joke, which I’m grateful for.
“It was frustrating. I spent weekswantingto want him that way, but no matter how hard I tried, I just…didn’t. Then I met you a couple days later and my body lit up like a fucking fire starter. You know all those cheesy metaphors for sexual attraction—electricity, fireworks? You name it, I finally understood it.”
It’s only once I stop rambling that I realize what I said. Julian’s mouth pops open, eyes wide as saucers, as he stares at me like I grew a second head.
“Don’t. You. Dare.”
“I didn’t say a word.” He doesn’t have to. His face says it all. “Leticia, Leticia. It must be incredibly ironic to be you.”
“Don’t even get me started.” I drop down on the pillow with a sigh. “I’m not sure how the whole sexual attraction thing works for you, but for me it feels sorandom. The only other time it’s happened is with a girl in my writing comp class, and she turned out to be straight so it was a moot point. It’s not a feeling I’ve ever been able to rely on to guide me toward a romantic partner, you know?”
“It’s pretty much the opposite for me,” he says. “I have to have an emotional connection with someone first in order for those feelings to grow, but I don’t necessarily have control over who they grow for, if that makes sense.”
“It does.” I nod. “Not sure it would make sense to an allo, but it does to me.”
“Do you ever worry about that?”
“All the time.” I try to shrug, but my voice trembles. “Romantic connection wasn’t enough for Steven. He wanted more, the same way lots of allo people do. And I don’t blame them for wanting what they want. But…sometimes I’m afraid I’ll never be good enough.”
He doesn’t say anything. Maybe he didn’t hear me, and if he didn’t I can take that as a blessing. I’m not sure what I would want him to say to all of that.
Then his warm hand closes over mine. Gently at first, curling around my fingers until our palms touch. He squeezes once, reassuring, and I swear I can feel that same hand squeezing inside my chest. I’m hardly able to breathe past the sudden lump in my throat.
“You’re more than enough, Leticia,” he says. “So much more.”
I only wish I could believe him.
13
Julian
