‘Pick up your cup,’ I told him.
He did. With his long, strong fingers wrapped around it, it looked almost comically small, but he held it in two hands anyway.
Trying not to let my hands shake, doing my best to mimic the way he’d held the carafe, I refilled it.
‘You’re not wrong,’ I said. ‘My life is complicated. There are a lot of things I have to worry about. But when I’m here – with you – I don’t have to worry at all.’
Satoshi didn’t say anything. His chest rose and fell as he took in a long breath.
‘Not just because you make me come so hard I forget everything,’ I added. ‘Although that helps, obviously.’
That drew a surprised, stunned laugh.
‘I’m kind of obsessed with you,’ I said. ‘I always have been, I think. You’re so… I’ve spent my life surrounded by passionate, dedicated people, but them – their world – has always felt so closed to me. Like it wasn’tforme. But from the very first time I met you, it was like – like you were standing in front of an open door. Like you were saying,Welcome to my world, come on in, make yourself at home, there’s room for you here.’
‘That’s hospitality, Fiona,’ he said softly. ‘That’s my job.’
I shook my head. ‘No. I – I see you, Satoshi, all of you, and thisisyou. It would be so easy for you to be so single-minded – most brilliant people are – but you… you use your powers for good. You’re so passionate – and you’ve got this laser focus – but you’re also so kind and generous and patient. The attention you pay to what people need – the way you carve out space for them – the way you turn that laser focus onthem– I don’t know if you understand what a rare, special quality that is. How rare and special you are. And how – how – how…’
‘How what?’ he asked, when the moment had stretched out a little too long.
‘How privileged I feel, to be seen by you.’
I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. ‘You’ve always seenme,’ I said. ‘Not just the kids’ mum, or the idiot who didn’t realise her husband had a whole other life, or a disappointment of a daughter, or a sister who might never measure up to her brothers. Whenever you look at me, I feel like –Fiona.’
I closed my eyes for a second, before opening them again. If I was going to do this – if I was going to attempt this absurd leap – if I was going to get this carried away – I needed to look at him.
‘I know I don’t have much to offer,’ I said. ‘I’m a mess. My life is a mess. But if I try and wait until it’s not a mess anymore, I’ll be waiting forever, and I’m so sick of being frozen in place.’
‘Fiona,’ Satoshi said, ‘what are you saying?’
‘That I want to explore this… thing we have. Properly. For real.’
For a long moment, there was silence. I looked at him, and he looked at me, and I could hear my own heartbeat, racing in my ears.
‘I’m not suggesting that I be – like, your girlfriend or anything.’ The wordgirlfriendfelt uncomfortable the second it came out of my mouth, a too-small dress which clung in all the wrong places. ‘I mean, fuck, I’ve been divorced for – what, three hours? But I – I want more than what we’ve been doing. More than friends with benefits. Not… casual.’
There was a long pause before he spoke again. ‘The way I feel about you, Fiona,’ he said at last, voice low, ‘has never been casual.’
‘We would still have to go slow.’ I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth, trying not to get too far ahead of myself. ‘Not that – I don’t want to go back to only kissing, but – in terms of a… relationship, we would need to go slow. It’s not that I’m not over Matt – I am, trust me – but it’s still so soon.’
‘Of course.’
‘So I totally understand that I might be asking too much. I’m not the only one with needs, and your needs matter too, Satoshi.Iknowyou have them, and it would make me sick to think you were denying yourself because of me. So if this isn’t what you want, that’s obviously completely fine, and—’
‘Come here.’
I slid off my barstool and went behind the bar.
Satoshi grabbed me by the waist and set me on top of it, stepping between my parted knees. ‘There is nothing you can ask of me,’ he said fiercely, holding my face tight between both his hands, ‘that I don’t want to give you, Fiona.’
It was different between us this time. It started hurried and frantic, mouths hot and hard and hungry against each other, even his deft fingers slipping as he untied the sash of my dress again. I wrapped my legs tight around his hips and clawed at him, trying to get closer, but after I knocked a bowl of citrus off the counter with a flailing hand, sending lemons and limes bouncing to the ground and making us both laugh, it slowed down. Our foreheads stayed pressed together as we touched each other, breathy gasps and sighs co-mingling.
‘Are you sure?’ he asked, when I told him to get a condom. ‘We went so hard before. I don’t want to hurt you.’
I kissed him. ‘You won’t.’
He probably would. It was easy to make promises, and harder to keep them. He was beautiful and brilliant and one day he was going to wake up and want more than me. It was foolish of me, to put myself in a position where I could get hurt again.
