‘It’s not fair to you, though,’ she said. ‘I, um… it’s okay if you want to sleep with other people.’
Some key neural pathways in my brain iced over. ‘What?’
‘It’s – like the seven years of bad sex thing.’ Fiona used two fingers to point to her eyes and then to mine. ‘I don’t want to drag you down with me. I need to go slow, but you have needs too, and you shouldn’t have to limit yourself to high school-style making out. And I know you always say foreplay is underrated, but you… you don’t have to say no to other things – other people – you might want because of me.’
‘Fiona,’ I said, ‘I don’t want anyone else.’
She swallowed.
So did I. She was a deer poised to flee. I had to tread lightly, or she was going to slip through my fingers.
No sweeping declarations of love. No falling to my knees and kissing her feet and swearing there would never be anyone but her. Nothing too fast, nothing too hard, nothing that would scare her away. Slow.Slow.
‘Just because I could technically want anyone,’ I said, ‘doesn’t mean I want everyone.’
I let go of her wrist, trailing my hand up to her shoulder. ‘You know my wine philosophy?’
‘Which one?’ she asked. ‘You have lots.’
I flicked her gently under the chin. ‘Quality, not quantity.’
That made her smile.
‘For me, sex is only worth having if it’s with someone I know. Someone I trust. Someone Ilike.’ The word felt hollow and shallow coming out of my mouth, a betrayal of the enormity of what I felt for her, but slow, slow, I had to go slow. ‘You’re not the only one who needs to feel comfortable.’
Her head fell forward in surrender, resting against my clavicle, and I kissed her temple. ‘You don’t need to worry that I’m suffering, all right?’ I murmured. ‘Why would I want shots when I could savour?’
‘I don’t deserve you, Satoshi.’
Her voice was muffled in my chest, so I succumbed to the urge to tangle my fingers in her ponytail, tugging her face up to mine. ‘You deserve the world,’ I told her.
Our lips had just brushed together when her phone buzzed. ‘Sorry, it’s probably Jonah,’ she said, fishing it out of her pocket. ‘He must be wondering where I am. I told him I’d pick the girls up half an hour ago, and it’s past their – oh my god.’
‘What?’
Fiona’s eyes were wide in the glowing light of her phone. ‘I’ve got an email from the wine writing comp.’
‘And? What does it say?’
‘I don’t know. I’m too scared to open it.’
‘Do you want me to hold your hand?’
She nodded. I laced my fingers through hers and she squeezed tight, so tight it almost hurt. ‘Okay, okay,’ she muttered, more to herself than to me. ‘It’s fine. Everything’s fine.’
It took about a second, maybe a second and a half, before the widest, brightest smile I’d ever seen spread across her face. ‘I won,’ she said. ‘Satoshi, Iwon!’
‘Fiona!’
I wasn’t sure if I moved first or she did, but between one breath and the next we were hugging, my arms tight around her as I lifted her off her feet. ‘I can’t believe this!’ she exclaimed.
‘I can.’ I pressed my lips to her cheek. ‘I’m so proud of you.’
She buried her face in my throat. ‘I couldn’t have done it without you.’
Teardrops were shining on her cheeks when I finally put her back down. ‘I tried so hard not to get my hopes up,’ she said. ‘I’ve never won anything in my entire life. I’ve always been surrounded by all these brilliant people, but I’ve never been good at anything, not really, and—’
‘You are fuckinggreatat this, Fiona. I’m not even a little bit surprised you won.’
