He chuckled, brief, mostly humourless. ‘I take it he read you the riot act.’
‘Yes.’
‘If it’s any comfort, it’s not really about you.’ He ran his hand through his hair again. ‘He was with our father when his heart gave out. Seeing me pass out was a bit triggering for him, and – oh, Fiona.’
‘I’m sorry.’ I wiped furiously at the tears beading in my eyes. ‘I’m so sorry, Satoshi.’
‘Come here?’ He held out his arms to me.
I hesitated. ‘You really want me to?’
He nodded. ‘Please just let me hold you.’
There was no version of me, no matter how iron-willed, that ever would have been able to say no. I went to him, burrowing into the safety of his embrace.
We sat together for a long moment in silence. Usually, when we were cuddled together like this, we were always moving, always touching – his fingers tracing circles on my bare skin, mine combing through his hair – but this time, we were still. The only motion was our shared breathing, the only sound a heartbeat, although I wasn’t sure if it was his or mine.
‘I’m too scared to say anything,’ Satoshi admitted at last. ‘I’m worried if I do, it’ll be the wrong thing, and you’ll leave again.’
‘You should want me to.’
‘Fiona—’
‘Youshould. I’ve been awful to you.’ I turned my face into his shoulder. ‘Why didn’t you tell me how bad things were getting?’
He sighed.
‘I knew you were having a rough few weeks. I knew you were tired. But I didn’t know you were so exhausted that…’ I bit theinside of my cheek. ‘You don’t know how scary it was when you just went down like that.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He stroked my hair. ‘I didn’t mean to frighten you. It was… you know I’ve got a history of panic attacks. And I’ve been – I’ve just been a bit… overwhelmed.’
‘And I’ve been making it worse.’
‘Fiona, no.’
‘Yes. I have.’
I made myself sit up straight. If I let myself fall into him, I wouldn’t have the strength to walk away, and if that was what was best for him – even if it wasn’t what either of us wanted – that was what I was going to have to do.
‘Before you fainted,’ I said, ‘you said something to me. That you could be whatever I needed.’
Satoshi’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed.
‘But – and I need you to be honest, not just tell me what you think I want to hear – what doyouneed? Because if you’re so exhausted you’re fainting and so stressed you’re having panic attacks and I don’t even know about it – if I’m part of the problem, and not the solution – you’re not getting it.’
I took one of his hands in mine. ‘I love you too, Satoshi,’ I said softly. ‘But – oh.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He took off his glasses and wiped his eyes with his wrist. ‘I just… I’ve loved you for so long, Fiona, and I never thought you’d ever say that to me.’
‘I do.’ I pressed my lips to his knuckles. ‘I love you. So much that it really, really frightens me, because I can’t be with you, not if it’s going to hurt you.’
‘You won’t.’
I gestured to him. ‘Look at what I did to you.’
‘You didn’t. This is—’
I put my finger to his lips. ‘I didn’t help,’ I said. ‘So – please, tell me what you need.’
