And if I ever told him about Satoshi and me, what would he say to that?I suppose it tracks,he’d comment loftily, waving some abomination of a glass of wine at the dinner table,that the best my daughter can do is a bartender.
… and even though it was obvious to anyone with eyes that I was punching so,sofar above my weight, Satoshi would just sit there and smile politely and take it.
‘Jonah, let’s go for a walk,’ I said tightly. ‘You need some fresh air. Lex, do you want to come?’
They shook their head, a glint in their eye. ‘Grandpa and I need to talk about books.’
My heart swelled painfully with pride and love. Lex was going to run circles around my dad, the way I never could.
Satoshi loved Lex too. I knew that. He was so good with all my children, and he would love them all so much, if I’d let him all the way in.
But would they be enough?
I swallowed. He’d promised me. I hadn’t been able to get the wordskidsout, too afraid of the answer, but he’d promised me if I wasn’t giving him what he wanted, he’d tell me. He’dpromised.
The sun was bright as Jonah and I went outside, the gentle summer breeze riffling through our hair. Jonah tipped his face up to it, closing his eyes for a moment. ‘That’s better,’ he murmured.
‘Sorry about before.’ I shoved the feelings in my belly down, hard. ‘It’s your big day. I shouldn’t pick fights with Dad.’
‘Hmm? Don’t worry about it. I wasn’t paying that much attention, to be honest.’
Instead of taking the path that led to the B&B, we went the other way, towards the sculpture garden. ‘What’s got you so in your head anyway?’ I asked. ‘Far be it for me to be Team Dad, but he’s right about one thing – it’s too late for you to have cold feet.’
‘It’s not cold feet.’ Jonah sighed. ‘The opposite, really. Today just… means so much.’
We entered the garden, tangles of flowers interspersed at regular intervals with weatherproof sculptures. ‘I love Sadie so much,’ he said. ‘And it just hit me last night, spending the night by myself. It would wreck me if I lost her. There is no me without her, not anymore.’
He half-sat, half-collapsed onto a bench. ‘This is incredibly insensitive of me, but – Fi, I don’t know how you did it. I don’t know how you kept going. Because I keep having all these visions of what it would be like if Sadie left me, and I honestly don’t think I would survive it.’
I should have thought about Matt.
Instead, my mind went straight to Satoshi. How long did I have left before I was in Jonah’s position, unable to go on without him?
‘Sadie’s not going to leave you,’ I said, pushing that thought away too. ‘She’s here, drinking sparkling with Chess, getting ready to marry you. Again.’
‘I know. It’s not even like we had a fight or anything – everything’s fine – but…’ Jonah held his hand out in front of him. It was shaking.
‘Do you want me to call her for you?’ I reached for the soothing tone I usually used when the kids were sick in bed with a cold.‘Seeing her before the ceremony is a no-no, but maybe it would help to have a quick chat.’
He thought for a moment, then nodded.
Sadie picked up on the second ring. ‘What’s wrong? Did Jonah forget his shoes? Itoldhim he would if he didn’t put them in the same bag as his suit. Or has he changed his mind about the cake again? Or—’
‘Everything’s fine, don’t worry,’ I said. ‘I’m going to put you on speaker. Someone’s freaking out a bit and needs to hear your voice.’
‘Hi, darling,’ Jonah said sheepishly.
Sadie laughed, and I could feel, as well as see, my brother sag in relief. ‘Have you gone soft on me, Fisher?’
‘I’ve always been soft on you, Shaw,’ he replied. ‘You know that.’
Sadie’s laugh was a hum this time. ‘I love you. And I can’t wait to marry you. For real this time.’
I blinked.
‘I’ll see you at the altar, all right?’ she said. ‘I promise.’
‘I’ll be there.’
