‘Sorry for interfering. I was just trying to help.’
‘It’s not your fault, don’t worry. There are no magic words you can say to a child to make them feel better in a situation like this.’ Fiona exhaled. ‘It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to learn, as a parent. Sometimes you can’t make things better. Sometimes all you can do is be there.’
Go,I heard her saying, all over again.
There was a stone in my stomach as I said the only thing I could think of. ‘Can I pour you a drink?’
‘Please.’ She offered me a smile, although it was awkward rather than luminous. ‘Just one, though. I’m going to need my wits about me to keep Jonah together until he gets to the altar. I’ve never seen him like this.’
I took one of the bottles of sparkling I’d just brought up from the cellar out of the fridge. ‘He did look pale,’ I commented, trying to keep my voice light. If I could make things sound like they were all right, then maybe I could make them all right. ‘I hope he’s not coming down with – shit, shit, sorry!’
I’d clearly agitated the sparkling too much when I’d carried it up, and my hand must have slipped when I was uncorking it, because instead of the usual noiseless hiss, the bottle opened with an enormous bang, spraying wine over us both. ‘Oh my god, Fiona, I’m so sorry!’ Blood burned in my cheeks as I passed her a napkin.
‘It’s fine, don’t worry.’ Fiona mopped at the damp patch on her shirt. ‘I’m about to change out of these clothes anyway. Besides, it happens to all the guys.’
‘Not to me! Do you know how many bottles of sparkling I’ve opened in my career? God, if I fuck up like this in—’
‘It was a joke, Satoshi!’
She held up her hands. ‘It was a joke,’ she repeated. ‘Not a very good joke, granted, given our problem seems to be the opposite – oh god, Fiona, shut up shut up shut up.’
She closed her eyes. ‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have even brought it up. I just – I thought – maybe if we made a joke of it, then—’
Something in me sagged. ‘Come here?’
Fiona opened one of her eyes, peeking at me. I held out a hand to her. ‘Please?’
She paused for a moment, during which I died a thousand different deaths, but then she came around the bar. ‘Sorry.’ Her voice was muffled in my shoulder as she wrapped her arms around my waist. ‘I’m the worst.’
‘Yesterday wasn’t your fault.’ I pressed my lips to her temple, resisting the urge to do what I actually wanted, which was crush her to me, sink to the floor, and not let go for several hours. ‘Please tell me you know that.’
She nodded, her hair silky against my cheek. ‘You were tired. I know. I just…’
‘You just what?’ I kissed her temple again.
She drew back, so she could look me in the eye. ‘If you, um… ever decide you… that this isn’t working for you – that it isn’t what you want – you’ll tell me, right?’
I blinked. ‘What?’
‘It’s all right.’ Her fingers slid up my chest to curl into my lapels. ‘I’m tough. I can handle it. I know I – I come with a lot of baggage, and there might be… things you want that I can’t give you.’
‘Fiona, all I want is you.’
Her throat moved as she swallowed.
‘Yesterday wasn’t about me not wanting you.’ I framed her face between my hands. ‘It was just one of those days.’
‘I know. But…’
‘But?’ I prompted her, when the silence stretched on too long.
‘Will you promise me anyway?’
Her fingers curled tighter into my lapels. ‘You’re so young, Satoshi. You’ve got so much ahead of you – and I don’t want to limit you. I don’t want to tie you down.’
Another kick, directly to the stomach.You’re too young. You’re clearly not ready to be a stepfather.
‘I want to tie you down.’
