First of all, I’m sorry I haven’t replied to your letters. I’m so, so glad your life in Hobart is working out well (even if your boss is not – I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you to document everything he does, just in case). It makes me really happy tohear that your world is full and that you’ve built a network of people around you who care about you.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the fight we had and I want you to know that I took what you said to heart.
As a result, I’ve taken a leave of absence from work (lucky I had all that time saved up!) and I’ve gone away for a while to do some soul-searching. You’ve been my whole world for as long as I can remember. I need to work out who I am on my own, what my life looks like when it doesn’t revolve around you.
Because of that, I’m going to be off-the-grid for a while longer. I’m staying with a friend who’s holding onto my phone for me, but if you really need me – you can call.
Love,
Chess
PS. Hope you like these books. I don’t have your skills in picking them out, and the availability here is a bit limited.
The note fell from my fingers to the floor. I covered my mouth with my hands, but nothing could prevent the awful, strangled sob from coming out.
I want you to know I took what you said to heart.
Those horrible things I’d said to her, the things I would do anything to have her forget. She’dlistened.
You’ve been my whole world for as long as I can remember.
I’d been a burden on her for her entire life and when we had that fight, she’d finally realised it.
I need to work out who I am on my own, what my life looks like when it doesn’t revolve around you.
I was never going to be able to fix it. I was never going to get her back.
I’d lost her.
I picked the letter up from the floor and read it again, tears blurring my eyesight.If you ever really need me – you can call.
But I had been cursed with an excellent education in close reading, and between the lines, I could see all the things she wasn’t saying.
All the leave she’d saved up, that time she was going to spend visiting me – that was gone. She was going to be off-the-grid awhile longer – it had been months, and she still couldn’t bear to speak to me. I could call her, but only if I really needed her – call me if you need me to bail you out of jail, kid; otherwise, I’m exhausted and I’m done.
The front door closed. I shoved the letter hurriedly in my bra, scrubbing my hands across my face before Jonah saw me. If he knew I was such an awful person that my ownsisterwanted to cut ties with me, then…
‘I hope you’re prepared to eat like a queen tonight, Shaw,’ he said, dropping two heavy paper bags on the kitchen counter, ‘because I’m about to cook through my feelings, and it’s going to get elaborate.’
‘Can’t wait,’ I managed to choke out. ‘How about, um, how about I run down to Tsundoku and buy some wine?’
‘No need. I already did.’ He took a bottle out of one of the bags and put it in the fridge. ‘I’ve got it covered. You don’t need to worry about anything.’
Please let me worry about something, I wanted to say.Please, let me contribute. Please let me look after you in some tiny little way, so I can convince myself I’m not a millstone around your neck.
‘I am so sorry about how that went down today,’ he said. ‘I can’t believe Petrovski’s doing this to you. Getting you to put in all that work writing that pop-fic unit and then cancelling it – and the way he wasspeakingto you!’
‘You didn’t need to—’ I swallowed, still perilously close to tears. ‘You didn’t need to defend me like that.’
‘I know you’re perfectly capable of fighting your own battles, but – Sadie, are you all right?’
He was looking at me, examining me closely, trying to read my face. If I stood in this room for one second longer, he was going to see exactly what Chess had – that I was a burden, and he was better off without me.
‘Still just rattled from the meeting,’ I said, forcing a smile. ‘I’m, um, I’m going to go do some work, okay? We’ve got another fifty-two lectures to write, and I want to make sure I’m pulling my weight.’
JUNE
Chapter EighteenSadie
