‘I’m going to go and check if they’re ready to start,’ Thuong said. ‘You’ve got everything you need? Feeling good in your dress? Anything itching? Scratching? Sticking into you?’
I shook my head.
Thuong grinned at me again. ‘Jeff’s the luckiest guy in the world, to be marrying you,’ she said. ‘I love you, okay?’
‘I love you too,’ I managed to croak out, as she left.
My fingers were shaky around the glass of water. Murray whisked it out of my hands before it spilled. ‘Do you need to sit down?’ he asked me.
‘No,’ I said. ‘No, no, no. It’s – it’s just—’
‘Overwhelming?’
‘Your tie’s crooked,’ I said, so I wouldn’t have to tell him the truth.
I started fiddling with it, smoothing it down and tucking it into his waistcoat. ‘I love you, Murray,’ I said, moving onto his boutonniere. ‘You know that, right?’
‘Of course I know that.’ Murray caught my wrist, pulling it gently away from his lapel. ‘I love you too, Lily. Do you think I’d wear a tie this colour for just anyone?’
A nervous laugh escaped me. ‘I don’t know why I’m freaking out.’
‘Everyone freaks out on their wedding day.’ He was using the voice he used to console crying contestants after they got eliminated. ‘I did.’
‘No, you didn’t.’
‘Yes, I did.’
‘I was there. No, you didn’t.’
‘I was also present at my own wedding,’ Murray said dryly, ‘and I can assure you that yes, I did.’
I looked up at him.
What would happen if I just turned and ran into the night, and dragged him along with me?
‘It’s going to be all right, Lily.’ He let go of my wrist, putting his hands on my shoulders instead. ‘You love Jeff. Jeff loves you.’
I swallowed. ‘I know. I know.’
Murray leaned in and pressed a kiss to my temple, just above my hairline, where it wouldn’t ruin my makeup. ‘Come on. Let’s go get you married.’
20Murray
I was the kind of person who always had a plan. I was decisive. I weighed my options, calmly and collectedly, and moved forward from there.
It was a trait which had served me well professionally, of course, but I’d run my personal life like that too, ever since I’d been old enough to have one. My relationship with Julia was the perfect example. Every decision – from getting together to moving in to getting engaged and married and separated and divorced – had been laden with emotion, but I’d always been able to step back from it, make a cool assessment about what was best.
It had even been like that with Lily. When she had told me, sitting on top of a washing machine with her legs around my waist, that we’d never work as a proper couple, that our hard edges would wear each other down, I’d let her go, confident in the knowledge that one day, when she was ready, she’d decide she felt the same way I did and come back to me.
Then, when she met Jeff and I realised that wasn’t going to happen, that I’d just have to live with hopelessly pining for her – I considered my options. I loved her too much to walk away, so I locked my feelings up, accepted my new normal, and got on with my life.
But she did feel like I did. Maybe my unrequited love had been requited, all this time.
And I didn’t have a fucking clue what to do.
I handed the reins of the Episode Seven Last Chance Party over to Suzette and Carrie. I hid in the studio, doing long, in-depth interviews with Amanda and Juliet-Dylan, trying to use their turmoil to distract me from my own.
‘Do you want to film an ITM with Lily before we head into the Necklace Ceremony, Murray?’ Carrie asked in my earpiece, after I’d sent Juliet-Dylan back to the party. ‘She’s picking fights with everyone in sight.’
