Blood was roaring in my ears. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been this angry.
‘Is that what you think of me, Jeff?’ I spat out. ‘That I’m so easily led? That I just do whatever he says? Is that who you think I am? His puppet?’
Jeff opened his mouth, but I wasn’t finished. ‘If that’s what you think, then you have no idea who I am. If you think you married some girl who really is nice deep down but who keeps getting egged on by a bad man, then I’m sorry, but you married a different person. I haven’t been dragged into the dirt. I am the fucking dirt.’
Jeff apologised a few days later. ‘I’m sorry, love,’ he said, combing his fingers through my hair as we lay in bed. ‘It’s just… hard for me, sometimes.’
‘What is?’
‘Seeing you with him.’
‘I’m not going to stop.’ I propped myself up on my elbows. ‘Ever.’
There was a sharp note in my voice. The makeup sex had been good, but this was not something on which I would ever, ever give ground. It was my sharpest, hardest edge.
‘I’m not asking you to.’ Jeff splayed a hand on my belly. ‘I just… I want you to understand where I’m coming from.’
He leaned over and kissed the apple of my cheek, next to my nose. ‘I love you so much, Lily. And sometimes…’
I braced myself. I loved him too – loved him more than I had ever thought myself capable of – but if he said anything else about Murray being a bad influence on me, I was going to throw myself out the window, run naked down the street, and never return.
But, ‘Sometimes I get jealous,’ was all Jeff said. ‘There’s this whole world you two live in that I don’t understand, and I never will.’
26Murray
I tried to apologise to Amanda a couple of days later, on the morning of our final day of shooting. I’d gone down to the Convent to talk to Cece about the arrangements forWherefore Art Thou Romeo?, and when we were finished, I sent Lily to fetch Amanda for me.
But she returned empty-handed. ‘I did my best,’ she said, ‘but Amanda’s still pretty upset with you.’
I sighed. ‘That’s all right. She doesn’t have to talk to me if she doesn’t want to.’
‘I can work on her for you.’
I shook my head. ‘She’s entitled to her feelings.’
My radio squawked, and a burst of static came through my earpiece before the line settled. ‘Status update,’ Suzette said. ‘Kumiko and Dylan G are both in hair and makeup. Dylan JM’s ready. We’ve put him in one of the spare rooms in the Villa to chill before shooting.’
‘Copy that.’
Lily’s fingers brushed mine. It was gentle, subtle, so that if anyone was watching they would have no idea it meant anything, but I understood.
‘Do you need to get back to the Villa now,’ she asked, ‘or do you have time for a walk?’
‘I wish I did,’ I replied, brushing her fingers back, ‘but I’ve got to go help with finale set up.’
I glanced around. There were a few women doing yoga on the lawn, but they weren’t looking our way.
‘I have something to ask you,’ I murmured, bending my head closer to hers than was strictly professional.
That glint I loved so much came into her eyes. ‘Do you need me to wreak some havoc down here? Create some backup content, in case the big break up and the big hook up don’t hit the spot?’
‘No. Feel free, but no.’
She smiled. ‘What do you need?’
‘It’s more… what I want.’
I took a breath. ‘I’m staying here once the shoot wraps. There’s only a month before we start shootingWherefore. Cece’s formally signed on, but she obviously needs intensive camera training, so I’m going to stay here and work with her. And I was wondering…’
