The dress that wardrobe gave me for the Last Chance Party was dark, dark purple. It was long – so long that it even had a little train, which trailed behind me as I walked – but it was slit high up the front, high enough that if I satwrong, it’d be extremely clear whether or not I was wearing underwear.
(I was, for the record. I was already going to get enough shit from the guys at work for being on this show. I hated to think how gross it would get if I flashed the entire nation.)
The dress was paired with strappy silver heels, which added several inches to my height, and accessorised with silver cuffs and dangly silver earrings. The make-up artist had given me a dramatic smoky eye.
It wasn’t me at all, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be me tonight. I wanted to be someone braver than me. Someone bolder than me. Someone in control of her own destiny.
When I emerged from hair and make-up, Dylan was standing at the bar near the pool. ‘Want one, Mandie?’ she called, gesturing to the champagne.
I shook my head. There was such a cocktail of fears and feelings and frustrations roiling around in my belly that I already felt drunk, even though I hadn’t had a drop.
‘You sure?’
She was in white tonight. It was a cocktail dress, so it wasn’t exactly bridal, but it was close enough that I could see it. Him, standing next to her in a tux. Her hands in his. The corners of his eyes crinkling as he looked at her. Her, winking back at him.
I could see it. Everyone else could see it. Lily apparently couldn’t see it, but how stupid would you have to be to believe a word that came out of her mouth?
‘Mandie!’ Dylan waved her champagne flute at me again. ‘You sure?’
My jaw had started to ache. I was clenching my teeth.
‘Yes,’ I said.
I should say goodbye to her. She deserved that. She hadn’t done anything wrong. If anything, she’d done too many thingsright.
I walked away instead.
Belinda had got out of hair and make-up a few minutes ahead of me. She clearly hadn’t wasted any time, because she was already sitting with Romeo-Dylan on a bench in one of the rose gardens.
I took a deep breath and then walked up to them. ‘Sorry to interrupt,’ I said, ‘but can I steal you for a second?’
‘I’m sorry, Amanda,’ Romeo-Dylan said, looking up at me. ‘Would you mind giving us a few minutes?’
‘I – of course.’
I was thrown totally off balance. In all my psyching myself up for the conversation, I hadn’t anticipated that I might not be able to have it immediately.
‘No, it’s all right,’ Belinda said. ‘I’ve said everything I needed to say.’
She stood up. ‘It’s been lovely getting to know you.’
‘You don’t need to lie to me,’ he said. ‘You don’t owe me anything, Belinda. I owe you. I’m so sorry for – what happened to you.’
He gestured to her mouth. She reflexively covered it with her hand.
‘Sorry,’ he said again.
‘It’s all right,’ she said, not taking her hand away. ‘It wasn’t your fault.’
‘If there’s anything I can do…’ His voice trailed off. ‘Like – your dental bills. I can pay those. Absolutely.’
Her head dropped. She was crying. ‘There was only one thing I wanted from you,’ she said. ‘I wanted you to fall in love with me. And you haven’t.’
Romeo-Dylan looked stricken. ‘I – I—’
‘Don’t say you’re sorry,’ she said. ‘You came here to find someone. It’s not your fault it’s not me.’
‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘For being here.’
