‘Amanda!’ Murray yelled. ‘Look alive!’
I jumped as Romeo-Dylan touched me on the shoulder. ‘Tag,’ he said. ‘You’re it.’
I hoped like hell that if the camera had picked up any of that fantasy on my face, they’d assume I was still thinking about the car.
The first part of my ITM was easy. Murray asked me a bunch of questions about what it had felt like to see the car, touch the car, drive the car. If there was one thing I was comfortable monologuing about at great length and in extremely full sentences, it was incredible and exquisite and magnificent and possibly magical sportscars. ‘God, she’sa beautiful girl,’ I enthused. ‘I’ve never seen such a beautiful girl in all my life.’
‘You’ve used that phrase a few times,’ Murray said, leaning back in his chair. ‘Beautiful girl.’
My heart thudded so hard to the ground I was amazed it didn’t come rolling out of the leg of my jeans.
Why did I never learn? Why, why,whydid I never think before I said anything?
‘That’s just how we talk about cars in the industry,’ I said. ‘I bet Dylan JM talks the same way about boats. Don’t you call boats “she”?’
Murray raised his eyebrows at me.
I glared back at him.
He didn’t waver. He had dark circles under his eyes the size of small planets.
‘I’m not doing it,’ I said. ‘I’m not saying it. I know what you want, but – no.’
‘Ladies,’ he said to the cameraperson and the soundie, without breaking eye contact with me, ‘Amanda and I are going to sidebar for a minute. Take five.’
He led me a little way away, towards a small grove of trees. ‘So—’ he started.
‘I’m not doing it, Murray,’ I said. ‘I know you know I’m bi. I’m not an idiot. But I’m not doing it. I’m not coming out on national television.’
‘Fair enough.’
I blinked. ‘What?’
‘If you don’t want to come out, I’m not going to make you do it.’
‘But you’ll have someone do it for me, right?’ I snapped, folding my arms. ‘How long is it going to be before your little plant stands up and announces, “Guess what, Amanda likes girls!” to everyone?’
‘What do you mean, my little plant?’
‘I know about Lily.’
‘What do you think you know about Lily?’
‘I know – I know –’
I stopped.I know she sneaks around at night in dramatic dressing gownswas nothing. Neither wasshe called me a wifeyorI saw her set up a cheeseboard for you one time.
‘Lily’s not a plant,’ Murray said. ‘Trust me, if I was going to plant someone, I’d pick someone I could actually control.’
I hugged my arms tighter around myself.
‘I’m not going to out you, I’m not going to make someone else out you, and I’m not going to make you out yourself,’ Murray said. ‘I know what’s happened to other Juliets who’ve come out on the show before. I’m not going to make you do anything you’re not comfortable with.’
‘Okay,’ I said, unsteadily. ‘Good. But then… what was all that about? The beautiful girl stuff?’
‘I’m just throwing you some balls,’ he said. ‘It’s up to you which ones you catch.’
I had no idea what he meant.
