She didn’t say anything.
‘Sure, I know it’s not the same as on a regular season. You can’t just go home. You’d have to go to the Convent. But it would only be for a few weeks, and there wouldn’t be any of the pressure down there that there is here.’
‘Wouldn’t you miss me?’ she said, offering me another weak smile.
‘Of course I would!’ I said. ‘But—’
I tried. I really tried not to say it.
‘I could go with you,’ I said.
She shook her head immediately. ‘No.’
I tried to bite this back too, but Mandie 1.0 had the reins now, and she was not letting them go. ‘I mean it,’ I said. ‘I like man-Dylan a lot, but you’re more important to me. If you decided to go, I would go with you.’
‘No, Mandie,’ she said softly. ‘Besides, I like him too.’
Those words cut much deeper than they had any right to.
I busied myself with her hair again. I didn’t dare look at the Mandie in the mirror, terrified that what I was feeling would be clear in my expression.
‘Though he was fucking useless today,’ Dylan said, her tone more conversational. ‘He disappeared at the first drop of blood.’
‘Oh no!’ I said, making myself laugh. ‘Who would have thought such a big strong man would be scared of a little blood?’
‘I know, right?’ she said. ‘I know he’s got the whole sweet and gentle cinnamon roll thing going on, but come on, dude, really?’
‘Tell me more about the game,’ I said, resolutely ignoring the sick, hot feeling building in my stomach, forcing myself to sound conversational. ‘Tell me about the Convent women. I take it he didn’t bring any of them back, or they would have been breaking down the door demanding bathroom time by now.’
Later, when we were done, and I’d returned the stool to the monitor room down the hall, I came back into the bathroom to do my night-time skincare routine. There was dried mud and dirt all over my nice clean floor.
10
I barely slept that night. I stared up at the ceiling, only just visible in the darkness. I reached up to touch it a few times, to remind myself that it was still there, that I was still here, in my top bunk, not careening out of control.
Beneath me, Dylan’s breath was slow and even. If she was sleeping okay, after the day she’d had, I shouldn’t be worried. Hadn’t our conversation ended up being totally normal and fine?
I couldn’t believe I’d said that to her. How had I let the phrasesyou could leaveandI would go with youcome out of my mouth?
Everything anyone had ever said to me about not thinking ahead collapsed in on me all at once. I turned over onto my stomach, pressing my face into my pillow. I wanted to scream into my hands, the way Dylan had, but I wasn’t brave enough. If I woke anyone up – if I wokeDylanup…
I’d basically propositioned her. She either hadn’t noticed or was pretending she hadn’t noticed so I could save face, but that was what had happened. It was the worst idea in the world but I’d done it anyway. Because I never, everthought.
The first fight I’d ever had with Jac had been about this.So when did you decide that you were going to run off with me?she’d asked.
We’d been in bed, her head resting on my shoulder. I was playing with her hair, tracing the line where the longer part of her hair met the buzz of her undercut.I don’t know,I’d replied.I don’t know that I did decide. It just happened.
She sat up.What do you mean, it just happened?
You blew me away,I said, sitting up too.You came up to me at that wedding and it was like my brain short-circuited.
You were with Mark for, what, two years?
Two and a bit, yeah.
And you left him,she said, grabbing for her glasses on the bedside table and putting them on,on impulse?
For you,I insisted, reaching out to her.
