I made myself paste on a bright smile for the rest of the night. I didn’t tell anyone about seeing Lily and Murray in the maze. If I was going to keep myself un-outed, the last thing I needed to do was get a producer off-side.
Besides, the only person I really wanted to discuss it with was Dylan.
Instead, I made polite, chatty conversation over dinner. I listened to Naya and Kanda tell everyone about the chaotic disaster that had been their Archie photo shoot and laughed in all the right places. I mediated a dispute about the chore wheel. I even read out the card for the single date the next day (‘Roses are red, blue is the sea, I like to go sailing, join me, Jess D?’).
I didn’t think about Dylan and Dylan, out there in the garden. I didn’t let the wordfrontrunnerbounce around my mind like an old-school screensaver. I didn’t even listen to Jac when her mean whispers tried to break into my thoughts.
Okay, fine. I didallthose things.
But I tried not to. I tried to make my mind clear and empty and just have a nice night.
It wasn’t until later that night, after Dylan had come home wearing one of Romeo-Dylan’s necklaces and we’d filmed the obligatory sofa scene (‘Did you kiss?’ Jess K had demanded,and Dylan had refused to answer, which we all knew meant yes), that it all finally came crashing through.
The lights were out. I was lying in my bunk, staring at a ceiling I couldn’t see, even though I could reach out and touch it if I wanted to. I could hear the murmur of whispered conversation between Naya and Jess K, the rustle of linen as Marija rolled over, the gentle, even breathing of Dylan below me.
I was surrounded by people. There was no getting any time alone in the Villa. But something about the darkness made it easier to feel like you had some privacy.
The darkness let me reveal some truths to myself, but they only made things more complicated.
1) I might be on the way to getting over Jac, but her voice was still so, so loud in my head.
2) Romeo-Dylan might be my perfect rebound, but he was very into my best friend.
3) Said best friend was thevery bestfriend I could ever hope for.
4) Try as I might to pretend otherwise, I was so deeply, profoundly, and unhealthily into her it hurt.
8
If it had been a normal season ofMarry Me, Juliet, these four realisations might have made me leave. ‘I’m sorry,’ I’d say to Romeo-Dylan. ‘I can’t accept your necklace. I have feelings for someone else, and it’s not fair for me to take the place of another woman who might have a real chance with you.’
He’d understand. We’d hug it out. ‘Amanda, this is the end of your journey,’ Z would say solemnly. ‘We wish you well on your road to love ahead.’
Some of the other women would offer me goodbye hugs. Dylan’s would be the tightest of all. ‘I’ll call you the second I get out of here,’ she’d whisper in my ear. ‘We’ll go for drinks, okay?’
She would, and we would, often. If she didn’t have Romeo-Dylan she’d find another equally hot and charming man soon afterwards, but we’d stay friends. Good friends. I’d come out to her at some stage. She’d be fine with it. I wouldn’t tell herabout my crush on her, not until much later. A speech at her wedding to Romeo-Dylan or whoever she ended up with, maybe. ‘Dylan and I met onMarry Me, Juliet,’ I’d say, ‘and [insert extremely hot man’s name here], you’re lucky she’s straight, because when I first met her? I would have married that Juliet in a heartbeat.’
In that future, I could leave the Villa and go home. Go back to my teenage bedroom at Mum’s place, lick my wounds, let my crush on Dylan fade away, and get on with the serious business of building a new life for myself post-Jac. That way, when I finally met Dylan for those drinks, I’d be a better Mandie. A proper Mandie. Mandie 2.0, all the way out of the quicksand.
But if I did any of that on this season, I’d just end up stuck down at the Convent, waiting for the six-week shoot to end. I’d be in exactly the same situation as I was now – crammed into a house full of other women – except without my friend. It would be Mandie’s Childhood Bedroom: The Sequel.
So when Romeo-Dylan offered me a necklace at the next ceremony, I didn’t hesitate. ‘Of course I’ll accept your necklace,’ I said, and lifted up my hair so he could fasten it around my neck.
He got it first try this time. He was getting better.
‘Kanda, I’m so sorry,’ Z said, ‘but this is the end of your journey. We wish you well on your road to love ahead.’
I felt a pang of guilt when Carrie led Kanda away. Maybe if I had done the noble thing and fallen on my sword, she and Romeo-Dylan might have ended up together.
But then I thought about the serviette full of eclairs. The way Romeo-Dylan’s eyes had creased in the corners as he looked at my Dylan. The way they’d looked together in thosePride and Prejudiceclothes.
All I’d taken from Kanda was a few extra days in the Juliet Villa. I’d probably be at the bottom of the hill with her soon enough.
‘I’m a bit bummed Kanda went,’ Dylan said, as we took off our make-up in the bathroom after the Necklace Ceremony.
‘Hmmm?’ I said, halfway through peeling off one of my fake eyelashes. ‘Why?’
‘Because she was in the other bedroom,’ Dylan said, dabbing at her face with a cotton pad. ‘Which means she was in the other bathroom.’
