‘I’m sorry,’ I said again.
‘You’re sorry?’ she said. ‘You’resorry? Fuck, Mandie.’
She sank down on the stairs. ‘I offer you the worst deal in the history of time, and you’re apologisingto me?’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t apologise!’
I didn’t know what to say to that.
She sighed, and tried to run a hand through her hair, but was stymied by all the hairspray and bobby pins. ‘Fuck,’ she swore. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck.’
‘Do you want some help?’
She looked up at me.
‘With your hair, I mean,’ I said.
‘Fuck my hair. I just – sit with me, Mandie?’
She patted the step next to her. After a few moments, I sat.
The night sky was just as I’d imagined it, a crisp, clear black, the Milky Way spilled across it like droplets of sparkling wine. The air was cold. I hugged my knees to my chest.
Dylan didn’t seem to notice. She was staring at the ground, her fingers twisting together in her lap.
‘Whatever you need to say to me,’ I said, ‘can you just say it, please?’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m just trying to find the right words.’
She swallowed. ‘The first thing I want to say is that I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I asked way too much of you. Hell, I didn’t even ask. I justassumed. I just took control. I mapped out this perfect plan of how things were going to be in my head, and I slotted you right into it and assumed you’d be cool with it without even asking you. Like,oh, we’re going to secretly date while I publicly date this other guy, that’s the way it’s going to be.Whodoesthat?’
She dug her fingers into those perfect eyebrows. ‘You did the right thing, leaving the way you did,’ she said. ‘I deserved it.’
‘No, you didn’t,’ I said. ‘You deserved an explanation.’
‘It’s not like it needs spelling out,’ Dylan said. ‘I wouldn’t agree to be someone’s dirty little secret. Why would I expect that of you?Howcould I expect that of you? Fuck, Mandie, I love you, and I’ve treated you like absolute shit.’
I didn’t say anything.
‘Oh,’ she said. ‘I love you. In case that wasn’t already obvious.’
She took my hand in hers and pressed my knuckles to her lips. ‘I love everything about you, Mandie,’ she said. ‘I love how kind you are. How big your heart is. I love how you’re so goddamn nice. But sometimes you’re not nice, and I love that too. You’ve got this snarky, dry sense of humour that comes out. It makes your eyes sparkle, and you get this mischievous little smile, and it’s the most adorable thing.’
She kissed my hand again. ‘You’re beautiful, obviously,’ she said. ‘Anyone can see that. But it’s not when you’re all dressed up in some Necklace Ceremony ballgown that you’re the most beautiful. It’s when you’re excited about something. There’s so much passion in you, Mandie. I don’t just mean in bed, although Christ, some of the things you know how to do blow my fucking mind. But when you get all excited about something, invested in something, and that passion spills out, it’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. And then there’s—’
‘Stop,’ I said. ‘Please.’
‘I know it’s tough for you to hear nice things about yourself,’ she said, ‘but these are all true.’
‘That’s not it.’
I took my hand out of hers, pretty sure I was making the worst decision of my life. ‘I can’t be something you just fall into, Dylan,’ I said. ‘I know Man-Dylan broke your contract so he could be with Cece, so he’s not in the way anymore, but I can’t be with you just because it’s suddenly convenient now. That’s why I left. That’s—’
‘Babe, we both broke the contract.’
I stopped.
