‘Oh. Um. Yes. Kind of.’
‘Kind of?’
‘Technically, I sleep in one of the bedrooms upstairs. But Lily kicked me out. She really doesn’t like me.’
‘Ah. Lily,’ I said. ‘I understand all about Lily.’
Which was a lie, obviously. I doubted anyone understood all about Lily.
‘I bet you’re looking forward to living with her again,’ Cece said, a dry note in her voice. ‘She’s such a calming and chill presence to have around.’
‘Is it weird if I say I kind of am?’
It was almost pitch-dark in the laundry, but I didn’t need to be able to see; I couldfeelthe look Cece gave me.
‘The last little while has been so bananas up at the Villa,’ I said. ‘It’ll be nice to be back on solid ground. At least with Lily you know what to expect.’
Solid ground. That’s where I was now. That’s what I’d chosen. No more earthquakes, no more fireworks, no more quicksand. Just nice steady ground, on which I could plant my feet, and take steps forward.
I let my heels drum the rhythm of my heartbeat against the washing machine. This was the right thing. I was in the right place. I’d made the right choice.
Even if it felt like I’d reached into my chest and pulled out some fundamental part of me that I wouldn’t be able to function without.
Cece muttered something. ‘Hmm?’ I said.
‘Nothing.’
‘It’ll be nice to get a chance to hang out with you, though,’ I said, reaching desperately for Mummy Mandie. ‘We never really got a chance after that first night.’
‘Yeah. It’ll be nice.’
‘Even if it’s only for a few days. It’ll be – shit, shit, I’m sorry.’
There was a lump in my throat the size of a station wagon. Tears were suddenly streaming down my face like a waterfall. ‘I’m sorry,’ I repeated, trying to laugh it off, like hysterical crying fits were something that justhappenedto people, oops, how inconvenient, nothing to see here. ‘This has just been…’
What had Dylan said, when she found out I was gone? Had she been angry with Romeo-Dylan for sending me away? With Murray, for letting him?
Or had she understood what I’d done? Understood that I had to let go?
I wanted to be with her so, so badly. I wanted her to be here, with me. To burst through the laundry door right now.
How could you?!I wanted her to scream right in my face.How could you just leave me?
‘Oh God,’ I managed, before the tears defeated me.
I buried my face in my hands, but I couldn’t stop myself. I was shaking so badly that I would have fallen right off the washing machine if Cece hadn’t put her arm around me. ‘I’m sorry,’ I sobbed. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’
‘Hey, it’s all right, Amanda. You’re all right.’
‘I’m not all right!’
The lump in my throat was so big it felt like I was going to throw up, my sobs turning into retches. ‘It’s killing me,’ I choked out. ‘It’s killing me. Not being with Dylan – it’s killing me.’
I could have had it. I could have hadher.If I’d just waited!Whyhadn’t I waited? Why had I let her go?
Why was making good choices so fuckinghard?
‘Oh God,’ I wept. ‘Dylan.’
