‘Dylan,’ I said, pulling back so I could look up at him, ‘I’ve had a lovely time with you over these past few weeks. You’re such a nice man.’
I expected him to smile his TV smile down at me, thank me, perhaps, but his face stayed serious. ‘I wish that were true,’ he said. ‘Being in this situation has made me feel like the opposite.’
‘I want to make things easier for you.’
‘You can’t,’ he said. ‘I wish you could, but you can’t.’
‘I can.’
I drew away from him, so I was only holding his hands instead of being pressed up against him. ‘We both know it’s not me,’ I said.
He didn’t say anything. He wasn’t even looking at me anymore. His eyes were cast down to the deck.
‘I don’t want to hang around in the background, being some side character in your love story,’ I said. ‘I – I have too much self-respect for that.’
His fingers tightened around mine. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said hoarsely. ‘I’m so sorry, Amanda.’
‘It’s not your fault,’ I said. ‘It’s the situation. But there is something you can do for me.’
He met my eyes. ‘Anything.’
‘Let me go,’ I said. ‘Don’t make me wait for the Necklace Ceremony. I’ve done enough waiting. It’s time for me to go.’
18
I wanted to feel calm. I wanted to feel centred and steady and sure, secure in the knowledge that even though I’d made a horribly tough decision, it had been the right one. I wanted to feel proud that for once I’d stood up for myself, stood my ground, put my foot down and said, ‘No more.’
I didn’t. I regretted making the right choice every minute, every second, every jolt of the golf cart as a PA rocketed me back up to the Villa to get my stuff.What have you done?I screamed at myself.Why did you have to pick now to grow a spine?
‘Make it quick,’ the PA said. ‘Dylan G’s in hair and make-up for her date, but we need to get you out of here before Kumiko comes back from her interview. They can’t find out you’re gone until tonight.’
I wondered if they’d bother staging a Necklace Ceremony.Where’s Amanda?Kumiko would whisper to Dylan.
I don’t know,she’d whisper back.
The worry in her face would be genuine. The tears that she cried when Z came out and said something like,Juliets, as you can see, there are only two of you here. Amanda and Dylan JM had a long discussion earlier, and Amanda has made the decision to leave the Juliet Villa– those would be genuine too.
I was hurting her. Badly. I was under no illusions about that.
I was in love with her, and she was at least a little in love with me. You didn’t say things likehey, let’s have a secret relationship in private while I’m having a fake relationship in public, BTW I could get sued and lose everything if anyone found outto someone you didn’t care about. A lot.
But just because I loved her and she probably loved me didn’t mean this was good for me. I’d spent enough time waiting around, stuck with one foot in a fantasy world, because I wasn’t brave enough to take a step forward in the real one.
If I did what she wanted, and had some dishonest secret half-relationship with her while she pretended to be with Romeo-Dylan, I might as well shred my list of positive features and set those affirmation flashcards on fire. I might as well believe every cruel thing Jac had ever said about me. I would be stupid. I would be spineless. I would be a pretty face with no substance, a doormat that got walked all over, a child with no self-respect.
I shoved my clothes into my suitcase willy-nilly, trying to ignore the way they’d become intermingled with Dylan’s on the floor. The tears were falling freely down my face, butI let them.This hurts, Mandie,I told myself,but it’s the right thing to do.
I packed the affirmation flashcards last of all. I thought about leaving them behind as a kind of goodbye, but – no. They were important. She was important. Even if us being together was bad for me, she’d given me one of the tools I’d used to put myself back together. I would always,alwayslove her for that.
Of all people, I couldn’t believe it was Mark – Mark! sweet, lovely Mark! – who had brought me to this realisation.If we’d been holding tight to each other, it wouldn’t have been so easy for her to slip out of my grasp.
Ithadbeen so easy, to slip out of his grasp, to let him slip out of mine. But I’d been holding tight to Jac, and when she’d wrenched herself away, it had nearly destroyed me.
I knew myself. I was good at waiting. It would be so easy to wait for Dylan. To cling to one of her hands with both of mine while her other one was in Romeo-Dylan’s. To hold tight to the idea of what we could be, and to not let go.
But even though I loved her, and she loved me, and we both wanted the situation to be different, I deserved someone who would hold tight to me. With both hands.
So I had to let go first.
