‘Do you think you’ll ever get back together?’
I shook my head. ‘He broke my heart and he broke my trust. The decisions he made without me and his refusal to talk about it flicked a switch inside me and I know it’ll never go back on. That’s probably not the answer you wanted to hear but I’m sure you’d rather know the truth.’
‘It’s fair enough and I would prefer you to be honest. Dad told me he wanted a fresh start and I didn’t question that cos, at the time, I thought he was protecting you after finding out you’d been seeing someone else. It must hurt not knowing. I hated Alfie’s reason for getting together with Carmen but at least I had one. It gave me some closure.’
‘That’s where I’m struggling. I don’t want to make you think badly of your dad. We had so many wonderful years together and I want you to have a positive relationship with him but, in the interests of not keeping secrets, it’s killing me that I don’t know why he left. I don’t care what the reason is – big, small, weird, stupid. Anything’s better thanit’s not you, it’s me.I long to know the specifics so I can get closure and have my proper fresh start, but I’m probably going to have to try to find a way to live without knowing. My absolute worst fear is that one of my theories is right – that he never loved me the way I loved him and being with me was about clinging onto how happy he was at university and mistaking that nostalgia for forever.’
‘I can see why that would be scary. It’d be like you’ve lived a fake life.’
‘Exactly.’ I sighed. ‘Is there anything else you want to talk about now or should we take this lot back to the farmhouse?’
‘I’m good for now, but I might want to talk again later.’
‘Sure. Any time you want, I’m here for you. Always have been. As your mam – not your therapist.’
She grimaced. ‘I still can’t believe I said that. Sorry. And speaking of sorry, I know I need to apologise to Nanna and Jude and Auntie Hope. I will do.’
‘I know you will.’
We set off back towards the farmhouse, Maddie carrying the tray.
‘Actually, there is one more thing. Can you help me repaint my bedroom at some point and can you help me choose the colours too? You were right about the ones I picked. They’re giving me the ick.’
I laughed. ‘We can manage that. How about we pick some colours tonight and order them in?’
It had been a good conversation and a great start to healing our relationship. I suspected there’d be more to explore over thecoming weeks and I also anticipated it wouldn’t all go smoothly. We were both nearly two years older and (hopefully) wiser and we needed to get to know each other again, especially when so much had changed. I was now single, we were living with my mam and I had to give high priority to our fledgling business because, if I didn’t work hard and generate a decent income, we’d find ourselves in the same position as the Garstangs, having to sell the farm. I was already completely in love with Hazelwick Farm and my heart hurt at the thought of that happening.
38
I woke up on Saturday morning feeling really optimistic about the future. One reason was that Maddie had been like a different person yesterday, smiling, laughing and chatting to the dozen or so visitors we’d had across the day. She’d spent some time with Mam and had shared everything with her – including the pregnancy scare – and had also gone for a walk with Jude. I hadn’t realised quite how tense the atmosphere had been in the farmhouse until we had tea together last night and the kitchen felt alive with chatter and laughter.
I’d sounded out Mam about the guinea pigs and she’d thought it was a great idea so we’d proposed it to Maddie over tea. She’d initially thought we were winding her up but, when we convinced her we weren’t, she’d squealed with excitement and, after we’d eaten and cleared away, had been eager to get started. I’d expected her to disappear straight up to her room and it brought tears to my eyes that she wanted input from all three of us.
The other major reason for my optimism was that it was our first weekend of trading, the sun was shining, and I had high hopes for lots of visitors. As agreed from the outset, Mam hadfocused on the café and I’d remained outside but I’d helped with the baking. The plan for this morning was to bake some cakes to offer alongside the traybakes – carrot, coffee and walnut, Victoria sponge and red velvet – and, hopefully, we wouldn’t have much left.
* * *
‘First Saturday ticked off,’ Jude said as we closed the main gate at five o’clock. ‘Are you pleased with how it went?’
‘Yes and no. It was a big uplift from Wednesday but I thought there might have been more visitors, especially on such a gorgeous day.’
We wouldn’t know the exact number until we ran the till report but my guess was about thirty. Our visitor demographic today had predominantly been families of three to five members so that equated to roughly eight groups. I’d hoped for at least double that.
‘I thought there’d have been more too,’ Jude said, ‘but the article only came out on Tuesday. It’s going to take a while for you to build a following on the socials and bear in mind it’s not the school holidays yet. You’re not worried, are you?’
‘It’s too early to panic and, to be honest, the slow start’s been a good thing. In just four days, we’ve already learned so much and thought of a stack of improvements to make which we might not have noticed if we’d been busy.’
‘You might find Sundays are busier than Saturdays.’
‘That’s true. As I say, I’m calm about it all – just a little disappointed, perhaps. I think a lot of our visitors will come on the back of recommendations and it’ll take a while to build those too. The big success will be the cow cuddling but we can’t offer that until they’re settled and we’re ready.’
We were approaching the café as Maddie came running towards us, waving her phone in the air.
‘Hunter’s asked me on a date!’ she cried.
‘Aw, that’s lovely,’ I said, smiling at her. ‘When?’
‘Tonight!’ She scrunched up her nose, her expression hesitant. ‘Is that okay?’
