The gravel hit harder on the way out. I noticed it this time, every fucking step too loud, like it was chasing me, like it wanted to keep me there just a little longer if it could. I didn’t look back, not once, because I knew that if I did, if I even let myself glance at the door, at the windows, at anything that belonged to that house, I wouldn’t leave. My breathing was wrong, it kept catching, like something inside me didn’t want to let the air all the way in. I tried to slow it down, tried to force it steady, but it didn’t listen. My chest felt tight, like it had closed around something and forgot how to open again. I kept moving, faster, then faster than that.
Little Ghost… this is where I should tell you I thought it through. That I made some calculated decision, weighed it properly, came to a conclusion like everything else, but I didn’t.
It was simpler than that, I had to get away, that was it. I could never go back. Because I saw him. Not the version I built, not the one that made everything easier, no I sawhim.And he wasn’t what I needed him to be. He wasn’t absent in the way I told myself, he wasn’t something I could break without it meaning anything.
He was good. I hate that word, but it fits. And that changed everything, because if he’s good, then what the hell was I doing there? What was I about to do? I slowed down just enough that I could feel it again. The knife, still there, still pressed against my back. I stopped for a second, my hand almost went back to it. Not to use it, just to feel it. To remind myself it was real. I had walked into that house with it, sat across from him with it, listened to him talk, while it was right there. All it would’ve taken was one moment.
One.
And it would’ve been over. He wouldn’t even have seen it coming, because he fucking trusted me. He let me in, he turned his back to me, he stood in the same room as me and he didn’tsee it. Didn’t feel it. Didn’t know what I was. I dragged a hand over my face hard enough that it stung. I needed to move again, standing made it worse, so I did. I kept going. The street blurred slightly at the edges.
My thoughts didn’t line up anymore, they came back in pieces, overlapping, cutting into each other. My father, my mother, the papers, the river, the wordson.It all sat there, tangled together in a way that didn’t make sense.
And somewhere in the middle of it, Zwierek.
That part hit differently, because it wasn’t just me. It never is. I know what follows me, I know what I bring with me when I walk into places like that, it doesn’t stop with me, it never has. So I couldn’t go back, not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t get to. He didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve me standing in his house again, carrying everything I carry, pretending it’s not there. He doesn’t deserve Zwierek anywhere near him. And I, I didn’t trust myself not to cross that line if I would be there again.
You understand that, don’t you?
Of course you do, you’ve been here the whole time, you’ve seen what happens when I stay too long. When I get too close. It doesn’t end well. Not for them, never for them, so I left. That’s the only thing I’ve ever been consistent at. I ran until my lungs burned properly this time. Until the tightness turned into something simpler, something physical, something I could understand. And I didn’t stop, because if I stopped, I might have turned around.
The Severance
Chapter 32
Panstwowy Dom Dziecka
(State Children’s Home - translated from Polish documentation)
Initial Intake Report – Minor (Unidentified)
Internal Case Reference:DD/INT/214/00
Child Information
Name:Not established
Assigned Name:Rowan [Surname redacted]
Sex:Male
Estimated Age:Approximately 4 years
Status:Admitted to state care following medical discharge and police intervention
1. Basis for Admission
The minor was transferred into institutional care following recovery from a residential property under conditions indicating prolonged and severe neglect.
At the time of intake, the child’s identity and legal guardianship remain unconfirmed.
2. Source Documentation
This report is compiled from:
Medical records (post-admission stabilisation)
Police inspection reports
