Which made one of my mom’s last texts to me all the more painful.
I was okay with your marriage to this man before he started a war with your grandfather, but now choosing him? That’s a betrayal, Amy. I never knew you were capable of this. After everything we’ve done for you? After all the money your grandparents poured into you? You’re being ungrateful.
Betrayal. Such a strong word. Ungrateful, somehow an even stronger one, at least to me.Ungrateful?I’ve never chosen myself. I only did so now because they made me feelunsafeand uncared for. Because I finally got a way out. Telling me that feels like a slap in the face when they’ve done so much to neglect and hurt me.
But it’s more than that. My mother said she was okay with the marriage arrangement before. But she totally freaked out when I called her about it, so why would she say that? Which was true? Was she lying when she expressed her deep displeasure at the arrangement before? Or was she lying now by saying she had been okay with it?
I have been trying to take time to think. That’s all I’ve been doing the past two days since I got the text:thinking.In between meetings with florists and bakers, I finally realized something. I called my mother, who freaked out about the whole marriage thing over the phone, and then I didn’t hearanything.Which is, frankly, so unlike my very nosey and clingy mother that I should’ve known something was up. But I was so consumed with everything that was happening around me, shaken, traumatized, and overstimulated, that I didn’t have any energy to process thelackof something. Just like I hadn’t noticed Lily’s lack of response immediately.
Yesterday, I finally messaged her back.
You knew about the marriage and were okay with it?
She took all day to respond. When she finally did, I was shaken to my core.
Well, yes. I’ve known for years that this would probably happen, you are a mafia leader’s granddaughter. I wasn’t sure if your grandfather would actually want to go through with it, as he’s never quite trusted us, but I wasn’t surprised when he did. They told your father and I that it would happen when you went to visit them next.
I was floored. It felt so backwards to everything I thought my mother to be. She hated my grandparents, right? She hadn’t talked to them since she divorced my dad. Turns out they’re quite chatty. She knew about the whole arranged marriage thing but never prepared me? I mean, they never even bothered to outright tell me that my grandfatherwasa mafia leader. I had to figure it out for myself.
Why didn’t you tell me? And why did you freak out when I told you about the marriage, then?
I remember my hands were shaking when I typed that. I held my breath when I sent it. She didn’t wait to reply and lay another blow on me.
It was best if you didn’t know. I didn’t want to scare you. And…well, we decided it might be best if I did a bit of acting so that you were comforted and did as you were told.
Comforted. She wouldn’t know how to comfort me if she was given a handbook on it, that much is clear to me now.
But, it’s more than that. It’s like…I’m only deserving of comfort if it gets me to behave. As ifthat’swhat’s really important, not me, not my feelings.
I didn’t know how to reply to that, so I didn’t. More texts came through, my mother begging me to tell me where I am, to come home, to stop with this rebellious behavior. I wanted to chuck my phone out the window, but I decided not to just in case Lily arranged a call with me. Instead, I just blocked them all.
That might’ve been an impulsive move, but it’s what I needed, at least for now. I can always unblock them later, but I couldn’t bear the barrage of texting anymore. Not when I feel thisraw.
Tears blur my vision as I look down at the crochet hook and yarn in my hands. Kerry asked if there was anything he could do to help, and I decided to lean on my old hobby of making cute little crocheted pets again. Within the hour of me asking for them, he had dozens of different yarns and hooks to choose from. I’m pretty sure Jack and Liam raided a whole craft store. They completely redecorated one of the guest rooms to be my hobby room, with tons of storage and different places to sit and make stuff.
Mind you, this all happened in the span of like…twenty-four hours. Kerry wouldn’t have it any other way thanright now.I think it’s been hard for him, watching me suffer and beingunable to fix it. I can’t help but smile a bit at the thought of how sweet he is, how he always goes over and above.
I haven’t told him about my mother’s latest texts and the revelation that my parents knew all along. I just wanted to think about it for a bit. I needed time to process it without having to confess the truth that I’ve come to realize: my family has put in very little effort to care for me.
I don’t realize there’s another person in the garden until they’re sitting down on the bench next to me. I jump out of my skin and turn to find Marjorie taking in a deep breath, a mug of steaming liquid in her hand. If I had to guess, it’d be a whisky coffee, something I’ve learned she’s fond of. I find it disgusting, but whatever works for her.
“Lovely day, hm?” She says before taking a sip. Her face holds no reaction to the strong drink. She might as well just be sipping on milk instead of black coffee and alcohol. I’ve come to learn that’s pretty normal for Aunt Marjorie, and it’s a rather fitting example of who she is. She deals with tough stuff and never shies away from it. Struggles, no matter how severe, are just another part of life to her.
I admire her for it. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t rather be sipping milk.
“Yes,” I say softly, tearing my gaze away from her drink to look out over the rest of the garden. I take a deep breath and focus back on my crocheting project. I’m working on a little smiling lily creature in hopes I’ll be able to give it to Lily soon to let her know I’ve been thinking of her.
Marjorie taps her fingernails against the ceramic of her mug as quiet settles between us. I assume she came out here for a reason, but I know I don’t need to push her to tell me. She’ll tell me when she’s ready.
It takes her a few minutes, and as time goes on, I wonder if she’s expecting something from me instead. Or maybe she justwanted to…what, come out here and just sit with me? It feels odd, but not impossible.
Finally, she speaks. “You okay, love? You’ve been a bit distant the past day or so. Even quieter than usual. Not even Bunny has been able to get through to you.”
I look up at her, a tad surprised that she’s able to tell. “Oh. Yes, I’m fine. I’ve just been…thinking a lot about things.”
Marjorie tilts her head, and I can tell she’s studying me from behind her large black sunglasses. “Thinking about what things?”
I exhale softly. I knew I’d have to tell someone at some point, but now that it’s happening, it’s daunting. Like speaking it out loud would make itrealinstead of just in my head. “I had to block all of my family members on my phone,” I whisper, as if that would cushion the blow of the truth.
