"I never thought about it like that before.” My voice is quiet, and I rub my arm in a soothing motion. Seeing my whole life flash before me in the context of neglect is jarring.
His thumb rubs little circles on the outside of my knee. “I know.” His voice matches mine in volume. It’s deep and rough, but oh so quiet, like he thought I’d be startled by anything louder. Or maybe thathe’dbe startled by it. Like the premise of what he said was loud enough on its own to make our ears ring.
We’re quiet for the rest of the way to his home. I’m lost in my thoughts, watching the city thin out as we leave the heart of Dublin. We arrive at beautiful wrought iron gates, which Kerry stops at. He rolls down his window to press a code into a keypad, and the gates swing open. I’m struck by the parallels of the last time I was driven out of a city. I’d been so frightened with my grandfather. I was expected to be silent unless spoken to, my bodily needs unmet, and we went to a run-down place where horrors took place.
But this? This is so different that it didn’t even occur to me to be worried. Kerry always prioritizes me, he never makes me feel like a piece of trash he has to drag around. Everything about him reeks of luxury and wealth, nothing cheap like my grandfather gravitates towards, despite being so rich. Kerry is calm and collected, whereas my grandfather always has this wrathful energy brewing underneath the surface, like he’s always on the brink of being angry. As we drive down the curving driveway, surrounded by lush grass and curated gardens, I register that this is far from a run-down diner. It’s quite literally a world away from it.
I don’t know what Kerry has in store for me, but I know that, one way or another, this is a new chapter. A new beginning. My decision to trust Kerry, to come here with him, will have lasting consequences and send me on a new path entirely.
I don’t know if it’ll be a good one or not yet. But I’m hopeful.
8
Kerry
Ihear a soft inhalation of breath in the seat next to mine as the driveway curves, revealing the sprawling estate I’ve built for myself.She’s impressed. Good.
Amy is still anxious. I’m not fully sure why, I thought she’d be relieved when we arrived safely in Ireland. Still, I intend on keeping a close eye on her to make sure she settles in okay.
My mind’s been heavy with thoughts of how to eradicate any threat to my home. De Matteis is ever present in my thoughts. Things should be easier now that we’re in Ireland, but that doesn’t mean that we’re out of his reach. I’ve spun it around and around in my mind, looking at it from every angle, but I can’t come up with any solution that doesn’t involve relying on The Nameless to resolve this. I hate feeling so helpless, and the fact that the answer is out of my control is sickening to me, especially when my Amy is at stake.
That’s the other thing that’s been plaguing me. I know how far the depths of obsession can go, I’m familiar with its indulgence. But whatever is happening with Amy is evolving intosomething else.Something new, and yet, something that brings back old feelings. Like eating a food you haven’t tasted since your mother cooked it for you as a child. It’s familiar, and yet,with so many years passed, it tastes different, since your mother wasn’t the one to cook it for you. It’s something new, mingling with the memories of your youth.
It’s unnerving. I’d accounted for obsession, thrived in it, actually. I’ve made my home in that dark place in my mind for most of my life now. But this? An evolution? The formation of something new? It’s unexpected. I knew I wanted to live a life with Amy, to wed her and be loyal to her in ways I haven’t with anyone else before. I’d committed to that in my obsession with her. But this? This bone deep longing? This freeing ascent into the lightness offeelings?
It’s all wrong compared to what I’m used to.
Obsession is deep into the dark, cold places in the ocean of my mind. It’s heavy, it weighs me down, sinking me deeper into it. There’s no breathing there, just hunger. Desire. Everything goes numb and my mind has a singular focus,achieving. There are no others. The world above no longer exists to me.
But this feels like the opposite. I’m up in the clouds, soaring, looking down at the earth below me, thinking of all the wonders and possibilities. I want to give Amyeverything.It’s no longer about taking, but aboutgiving.The world doesn’t just exist, it’sexpanded.Grown to encompass so much more with the need to worship her and lay it all at her feet. The focus is on her instead of myself and my goals.
It’s frightening to see so much, towantso much, but not for me. Forher.The threat isn’t small and singular anymore. It encompasses so much more. I need to keep her safe, to ensure she feels cherished and cared for, to not disappoint her.
I pull in front of the house and put the car into park. We’re not even able to get out of it before Marjorie steps out of the front door. She walks with purpose, like we’re her naughty children she’s coming to scold for being out past our curfew. Well,Iam at least. I get the sense from the phone call with AuntMarjorie that she wouldn’t scold Amy. She’s like the precious daughter she’s never had. Which I am happy about, I just wish she’d quit nagging me before she’s even started it.
I get out of the car, and Amy hesitates at the sight of Marjorie, as if she doesn’t know what to expect.She probably doesn’t. You haven’t told her who that is.I remind myself.
I take a deep breath as I close my door and round the car to open hers. No wonder she’s feeling anxious. I haven’t been communicating with her as I should now that we’re here. I’ve been growing complacent now that we’re in Ireland, something I needed to fix immediately.
After I open the door, I lean down to block Amy before she can get out. “That’s my aunt, the one you spoke to on the phone,” I say softly, hoping to undo my mistake of not preparing her expectations beforehand. Her deep brown eyes look up into mine, making time stand still. I barely realize I’m reaching out to cup her cheek, my body is simply drawn to hers magnetically. “We’ll socialize with her for a bit, but if you’re feeling overwhelmed, just give me a nod and I’ll get her to leave. Either way, I don’t think I’ll want to entertain her for long. I’m tired and want to relax in my own home in peace.”
She gives a nod, and her shoulders lose some of their tension. I hold a hand out for her, backing up so she has space. She stares at my hand for a moment before taking it, the sensation of skin against skin, however small, has my pulse racing and my mind darting to places that it shouldn’t. Not yet, anyways.
“How nice of you to tell me that you were coming home, Kerry Michael.” Marjorie raises an eyebrow at me as we approach, before pulling me into a hug.
“Clearly I didn’t need to,” I murmur, and she slaps my arm.
But there’s a bright smile on her face as she turns to Amy. “Hello there, love. It’s such a delight to meet you in person.” She shakes Amy’s hand with an enthusiasm that rattles all theway up Amy’s arm until her whole body shakes. I can’t help but chuckle. “Could I hug you, love? It’s just a miracle, you really have no idea. This big beast of a man caring for someone other than me? I was scared I’d never see the day. I’m glad I was wrong.” I should be offended by the words my aunt is saying. Instead, I feel grateful. Her teasing shows love, and her words make sure Amy knows she’s welcomed and wanted.
Amy looks a little surprised by her request, but she nods, warmth and happiness flickering in her eyes.Such a small mark of approval from a motherly figure and she beams like the sun. My god. No mother of hers could ever be worth much if this is her reaction.
Marjorie practically leaps forward, wrapping her arms around Amy. They stay like that for a long moment, my aunt whispering words into my future wife’s ear, ones clearly not meant for me. My aunt is the only person in the world I trust to do such a thing. I know Marjorie would never attempt to poison Amy against me.
When my aunt pulls back, there’s tears in her eyes, making me raise my eyebrows. Marjorie is a tough woman. I haven’t seen her emotional but a handful of times, and all of them completely warranted. While this doesn’t feel out of character, it does reveal the weight of this moment, even more than I realized.
She smooths Amy’s sleeves down with both her hands in a soft grip. “All right, then. I’ll be getting out of your way, don’t worry. There’s stew and a salad in the fridge, and breadsticks and a bottle of champagne on the counter. You two have a good time settling in, and try to get some sleep. Jet lag is a bitch, yeah?”
She hugs Amy again, quicker this time, and then turns to me. The hug she gives me is warm, and she lingers more than she usually would. I can feel the fond affection for me radiatingin it. She leans in to whisper in my ear. “There’s one of your fellows here. I directed him to your office. AnEnglish.Ugh.” She reaches up and pats my cheek gently, pride sparkling in her eyes like a badge of honor.
