I didn’t want to cry, but my chin quivered and a tear slipped out anyway. How could I have shouted at Baron like that? I’d been so sure I loved him. We had been through too much together to throw it away, and yet that is exactly what I had done. Had I just given up the only man I’d ever loved? Had I just destroyed any chance of future happiness with him?
How could I ever be with someone capable of such brutality? Then he had tried to turn it on me and pointed at all the deaths I’d been responsible for, as if that made me exactly like him.
I wasn’t going to take it.
I couldn’t stop myself from being angry at Baron.
But mostly, I was angry with myself. Beneath all my anger and self-righteous indignation, a sickening, hollow sort of fear crept in to carve a home in my chest. What if I had ruined everything? How was I supposed to complete this mission when we needed the information Baron could get, but every time I thought of his name, it felt as though a knife was shoved in between my ribs?
Our love wasn’t enough to withstand everything set against us. But even as I tried to convince myself that walking away had been wise, another tear slid into my hair, hot and humiliating. I pressed a fist against the impossible ache in my chest. The worst part was that I didn’t know whether I had protected my heart by leaving him, or shattered it beyond repair.
BARON
It was nearly midnight.
When my officers had come for the meeting, I’d sent them away and told them it was cancelled. If I spoke with any of them, there was no telling what I’d do or say, and I didn’t need to give anyone else a reason to hate me.
Everything felt foggy and far away. The candles on my desk had burned low, and the reports in front of me blurred into lines of ink that meant nothing. No matter how many times I tried to force my mind back to supply counts, patrol routes, or discipline records, the same thought kept circling back.
Laurel left me. She was gone.
My father’s voice drifted through my memory as clearly as though he’d been standing beside me all along.“She will hate you and abandon you and then you’ll be alone with nowhere to go.”
I pressed the heels of my hands against my eyes until spots of light burst behind them. I had told myself he was wrong. I had told myself Laurel knew me better than that. I had told myself the Merry Men were different from the world I had known before, and that if I proved myself, if I worked hard enoughand risked enough and changed enough, perhaps I could belong somewhere.
Now I wondered if this meant I was automatically disqualified from ever joining them.
The Merry Men had become like family to me. The only friends I had in the entire world were among them, and even that had felt too fragile to trust. Without them, what was I supposed to do? Go back to Prince John? Become the man everyone here already thought I was? Stay in this stone room and spend the rest of my life barking orders at men I intended to betray?
I stared down at the report again and read the same line over and over but didn’t understand a single word.
Would James even show up to our midnight meeting? Perhaps Laurel had already told him what happened. Perhaps he would stay away, and that would be answer enough. Or perhaps he would come, but only because they were all afraid of what I might do if they cast me aside too soon. Maybe they would pretend to include me until I was no longer useful, then drop me as soon as King Richard was found and Prince John was defeated.
The thought settled cold and heavy in my stomach.
The things I had said to Laurel kept echoing through my mind. Maybe I shouldn’t have said them, but the worst part was that I still believed some of it was true. Laurel needed to understand that when she behaved recklessly, she endangered herself and everyone around her. I knew she would never willingly divulge information, but if she acted without thinking and was captured, willingness wouldn’t matter.
I had seen how Prince John’s men treated prisoners. My past rose up before me whether I wanted it to or not, full of orders I had obeyed and punishments I had watched or else personallycarried out. I knew what could happen to Laurel if the wrong people discovered who she was.
I couldn’t let that happen. She had been the one bright spot in my life, now even that light was gone. Even if she hated me, even if there was no chance of reconciliation, even if every tender look she’d ever given me was gone forever, I still had to keep her safe.
I heaved myself upright and grimaced as my full weight settled onto my feet. I was exhausted. Physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. And now I still had to pick up the pieces of a broken relationship and find a way to protect someone who no longer wanted my protection.
My future seemed to stretch ahead of me, gloomy, dismal, and empty. I hated myself for thinking that way. I had work to do. I had a mission. I had people depending on the information I gathered. I had no right to sit there feeling hollow because one random girl had decided she was better off without me.
But it wasn’t one random girl. It was Laurel.
I pulled open the door and set off down the barrack hallways. I needed to meet James, assuming he would even show up. If only I could cancel my meeting with him as easily as I’d cancelled my meeting with my officers. The corridor was dim, lit by torches that smoked in their brackets and threw restless shadows along the walls.
Laurel was the only one who had never been afraid of me.
Everyone else told me what they thought I wanted to hear because they feared getting on my bad side. Laurel had always told me exactly what she thought, whether I wanted to hear it or not. She never softened herself because of my size or title.
I missed her.
It had only been a few hours since we split up, but already I missed her so badly that it felt ridiculous. I missed her independence. I missed her fiery spirit and quick wit. I missedthe way she could rob me blind, insult me to my face, and somehow make me feel better than I had all day. I missed the way the room changed when she entered it.
I had no idea why people thought I was terrifying. I was a sap.
