"I'm not talking about the logistics."
"The logistics are what matter."
"No, they're not." I leaned forward. "You just laid out a perfectly reasonable plan, and none of it is the real reason you want to leave. So what is?"
"I just told you the real reason."
"You told me a list of practical considerations that you could have raised at any point in the last three weeks. You didn't. You're raising them now, the morning after I told you about Naomi. That's not a coincidence."
She didn't answer. Her fingers pressed harder against the mug. The kitchen was quiet except for the gray kitten batting something across the floor near my feet.
"Sera."
"You were with Naomi." It came out quiet. Almost flat. "You chose her.”
“Yes, but?—”
“You were with a woman who was strong and capable and fearless. A woman who could match you in the field. Who could walk into a room and own it. Who could shoot and fight and run and look downright gorgeous while she did it.”
“And then she died. You blame me for getting her killed.” I couldn’t blame Sera for that.
“No. That’s not what I’m saying at all. Maybe Naomi made some sort of mistake on the mission that night, maybe she didn’t. Maybe it was because you two had a tiff earlier that morning, or maybe it was because she saw something and decided to make a move and it got her killed. Either way, I’m not talking about Naomi’s death. I’m talking about herlife. That’s why I need to go.”
“I—” I scrubbed my hand down my face. This wasn’t what I’d been expecting at all. “I don’t understand.”
She wasn't looking at me. She was looking at the mug in her hands.
“You loved Naomi because of all of her great qualities. But I don’t have any of them. I'm soft. I'm carrying thirty pounds Naomi never carried. I can't breathe right without an inhaler in my pocket. I panicked yesterday and hit a man in the face with my fist because I forgot every single thing you taught me about using an open hand, and I nearly broke my hand doing it."
She held up her right hand. The knuckles were swollen and dark, bruised deep into the tissue. She'd been hiding it. I hadn't noticed because I'd been too busy with my own wounds.
“Sera…”
"I sit behind a desk and read data, Travis. That's what I do. That's what I've always done, even before working for the FBI. I was a damnedaccountant. It doesn’t get much more boring than that. You and I staying here playing house? That’s no good for either of us.”
She still wasn't looking at me. Her voice was steady in a way that told me she'd rehearsed this, not out loud but in her head, turning it over during the hours she'd spent in the chair across the room last night while I slept.
She took a sip of coffee. “Everything you would want in a woman, everything you chose when you chose Naomi, I'm the opposite of it. I'm not angry about it. I'm not trying to make youfeel guilty. I've known I’m plain and pretty boring my whole life. You just confirmed it."
"I confirmed it." How had I fucking confirmed something that was the most absurd thing I’d ever heard? “How, exactly?”
“You were with Naomi. That's the kind of woman you want. I've always known where I stood relative to my sister, and I accepted it a long time ago."
She shrugged like it was no big deal and took a breath. "So last night made me realize I should go. Before this turns into something where I'm the woman you settled for because she happened to be here, and we both end up pretending that's enough."
I opened my mouth and what I wanted to say was simple and clean, but I couldn't get it out that way. "I need to tell you something I didn't say last night."
Because, goddamnit, if she was leaving, then she was leaving here with the truth.
"I told you I was going to leave Naomi. I told you I'd already decided. But I didn't tell you why."
"You said things had changed. You were growing apart."
"That's the version I gave you. The clean version. The one that sounds like two adults drifting in different directions." I pressed my palms flat against the counter because my hands wanted to move, and I needed them still. "The real reason I was leaving Naomi was you."
Sera went rigid.
"I was attracted to you while I was with your sister. I never would have acted on it, and I wasn't leaving Naomi to be with you. But you made me see what I actually wanted. What was missing. Every time you were in the room, I could feel the difference between what I had and what I wanted, and the differencelooked like you."
