And my heart breaks.
Not because of the game—I truly only care about hockey because of Viktor—but because I know without a doubt my stoic-on-the-outside-but-deeply-empathetic husband will blame himself. He’ll shoulder this responsibility like his men were killed in battle or something. Even if he’ll never admit it out loud.
Our group makes our way to the family lounge, where we wait for the team after every game, and the mood is somber. Mr. Maslak is talking quietly with his wife, Aunt Irina is on her phone, and the women with children are trying to keep them somewhat quiet and entertained.
“This is so hard,” Serena says to me. “We haven’t been together that long so sometimes I’m not quite sure what to say when they lose. Do I comfort him? Do I leave him alone? I honestly don’t know which way to go.”
“What do you end up doing?” I ask quietly.
“So far, West has been the one who kind of guides the conversation after a loss.” She pauses, a faint smile playing on her lips. “Honestly, what he usually wants is sex. A way to blow off steam.” Her voice is low and filled with amusement. “And that’s honestly not a hardship, if that’s how he needs to get out his frustrations. Obviously, I’m on board or he wouldn’t push the issue, but I mean, why wouldn’t I be? I love him. Our sex life is fantastic. Other than being genuinely sick or there being an emergency, I can’t think of a reason I’d ever turn him down.”
I love him.
I can’t think of a reason I’d ever turn him down.
Those two sentences resonate.
Regardless of how I’m feeling at the moment, I couldn’t think of a reason to turn him down last night either, and I won’t if he wants me tonight.
Because I do love him.
I knew I was falling, starting to care more than I should, but the brutal reality of the depth of my feelings makes me a little lightheaded.
“You are so not okay,” she says, watching my face.
“I just want to be there for him.”
“What’s stopping you?”
“Nothing, I guess. As you know, we are very, very complicated.”
“Look, you’re a grown woman who can make her own decisions, and I know I already told you this, but there is no reason not to fight to make this business arrangement turn into the real thing.” Her voice is low. No one can hear us, but I look around worriedly anyway. “There is no doubt in my mind you’ve caught feelings and I think maybe he has too.”
“He told me once he doesn’t know if he’s capable of romantic love.”
“Do you believe that?”
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe you need to think about that.”
“Believe me, it’s the only thing I’ve been thinking about. Well, that and him going back to Russia and how I’m going to keep my father from trying to steal my house.” I told her about the realtor who showed up yesterday.
“Why aren’t you talking about those things with him?”
“I’m talking to him about most of them.”
“But not all. Why?”
“Because I’m scared. What if he says he’s still going back to Russia when he retires and I can take it or leave it.”
“Is that a dealbreaker for you?”
“I honestly don’t know, but I think it will be super complicated for me. For any kids we have between now and then. Whatever career I have going forward.”
“I can’t stress this enough—talk to him. Seriously. Put yourself out there. What do you have to lose?”
I can’t answer that but I don’t have time to think of a response because I somehow sense that he’s just come in and I turn to greet him.
