“It’s not like we’re actually a couple,” I say softly. “And this will make divorce really easy. You know, the distance was too much…all that kind of thing.” It sounds a little lame when I say it out loud.
“I thought things were going well?” she says softly. “Haven’t you guys been…sleeping together?”
I swallow. “We have. That’s why I have to get away, Serena. I’m falling for him and I can’t. He likes me, but we don’t have a future. He’s always planned to go back to Russia when he retires, and I don’t know that I want to. Or that he even wants me to. His mom started talking about having a wedding in their church over there, something about making it easier to move there when the time comes.” I look at her. “That’s really scary, moving somewhere without a support system.”
“You’d have Viktor.”
“In what capacity? I know he likes me. I know the sex is good. But he’s not in love with me. And unless that happens…”
“It’s been a little over a month—give it time. Build a relationship and the future will present itself. Look at me and West. I’m going to be traveling to promote the new series, working crazy hours doing the show, and everything that goes with it. All while West is playing hockey. Our schedules are going to be crazy but we’re committed to making it work.”
“I know.” I look away. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t ask him if he loves me. He has to come to that realization himself. If I ask, he might say yes just to keep me around and that’s not good enough.”
“Then show him how you feel.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe you need to think about that before you make a decision that could impact both of your lives.”
I know she’s right.
But I’m scared.
Scared that asking me to be his doesn’t mean to him what it means to me.
Scared that he’ll tell me he doesn’t feel the same.
Just…scared.
Because he’s important.
More important than anyone else I’ve ever loved.
And having him be the one to walk away might break me.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Viktor
Game one.
Double overtime.
I’ve never played this hard, made so many saves or been as focused as I’ve been tonight.
And still, we haven’t won.
My team is playing hard. I can’t fault them, but the team from Anchorage, the Alaska Blizzard, is tough as hell. And I know this intimately because that’s where I came from. I was their backup goalie for years, waiting for Aaron Ferrar to retire. He’s a force to be reckoned with, but I’m younger, stronger, and determined to win my first championship.
Too bad my personal life is a dumpster fire right now.
As we wait for the TV timeout to run out, I look up into the stands. I know where the wives and girlfriends are sitting, so Holly is in the mix somewhere, but I don’t see her. She didn’t come down to the glass during the warmup, and we barely spoke this morning. I was in a hurry, she was being polite, and I don’t know what’s happening between us.
What I hate more is that I didn’t hesitate to make love to her last night—and she let me—but it was different than the other times. The physical part was still amazing, but she wasn’t there with me emotionally. She was only focused on our bodies, not our hearts. Not like last time.
