“Just worry about hockey,” she says softly. “You guys deserve to win this. What’s done is done at the sanctuary. A few more days won’t change anything. This wasn’t your fault. And I’ll be okay.”
I’m suddenly at a loss for words, and for the first time in our relationship, I hate the language barrier. If she spoke Russian, I could say so many things. I could express what’s in my heart without stumbling over the words.
I could just blurt out the words “I love you” but the timing isn’t right. I want to say those words to her when I can look into her eyes and feel her reaction. Doing it on the phone with so much physical and emotional distance between us feels…reactionary. She might even think I’m only saying it because I feel bad about what happened to the birds.
“I worry,” I say finally.
“Like I said, I’ll be okay. We’ve had a lot of support. Even Kelly stayed to help. She bought dinner for everyone.”
I already knew this since Kelly has kept me apprised, but I don’t want her to feel like Kelly’s keeping tabs on her for me.
“She was very emotional about the situation.”
“It was a very emotional day.”
“Then I will let you sleep.”
“Good night, Viktor.” She disconnects before I can say anything else.
And I wind up staring at the phone for a long time, trying to read between the invisible phone lines. She definitely isn’t herself and that worries me more than anything. She’s strong and resilient, but her tone of voice wasn’t one of strength or resilience. It sounded more like…acceptance.
I’m just not sure what she’s come to accept that makes her sound so sad.
Maybe it’s time to take a page out of West’s romance book and send her flowers. I don’t think jewelry is helpful at this point, and I don’t have anything even remotely similar to the bear to try this time.
Food.
I can send food, directly to the sanctuary so that she can share it with her employees and the volunteers. Some kind of breakfast basket. I don’t know how to find exactly what I’m looking for, so I reach out to West and ask him to see if Serena can help.
I need to take twenty-four hours to fully focus on hockey.
Then we head home and, no matter what happens tomorrow night with game five, I need to take the next twenty-four hours to focus on my wife.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Holly
The next two days are both emotionally and physically draining. I’ve done my best to throw myself into the work so that I don’t have to think about what Viktor said, but I’m hurt and disappointed. I kept telling myself that maybe there was a way to make things work between us, that taking the job in New York would mean abandoning both Viktor and the marriage that’s come to mean so much to me, but now it’s become clear that I have to do what’s best for the future that isn’t going to include Viktor.
I feel like a yoyo, going back and forth.
Maybe he loves me.
I don’t think he loves me.
I could make him love me if we had more time.
He’s going back to Russia so there’s no future.
Maybe I can change his mind.
But he doesn’t love me.
He said so. He still wants to help because he’s a good human being, but he’s not doing it for love.
I have to come to terms with the fact that I have to get through ten more months of the marriage while keeping my feelings in check.
And moving to New York is the best way to do that.
