My eyes fall closed as I tilt my head back to take the mounting pressure off my neck, and relief courses through my joints as they finally have the chance to decompress.
The cushion shifts under the weight of?—
“Tasch.” The tenderness in Varic’s voice cinches the invisible string around my heart. “This is all too much. I’m worried about you having to continue pushing yourself like this.”
“I don’t have a choice, Varic,” I say, voice breaking.
“I know.” He gathers my hand in his own. “Just—fuck. The only way I know to say this is selfish—” His gaze drops to the blank space between us. “It’s killing me to see you like this.” His words pull that string taut around my chest—binding and constricting until I can scarcely pull in a breath.
“Having to do nothing but watch as he slowly siphons your life force every time he requires you to use your magic.” He shakes his head. “I can’t do it. Every ounce of suffering you experience, I swear I can feel it all tenfold.” He taps his fingertips to the beat of a mournful song over the curve of sensitive skin inside my arm.
“This is why I didn’t want you to take the vow, Varic,” I remind him without inflection. “You do not owe me. There is no need to return what I did for you. You need to relinquish your sense of responsibility for my well-being.”
“I can’t.”
“Well, not now that you’ve taken the vow.”
“Before that. From the moment we met. Before you had the chance to do anything.”
All I can do is blink back. While I felt a strong connection far earlier than I ever would have guessed possible, the same thing happening within him is improbable, at best.
“You seem to have forgotten who you are. You have somehow become disconnected with your essence, walking around like this phantom presence. You act as if you are nothing but a husk of the witch you once were, when your strength does not lie in the ability to endure hardship. It is being yourself despite it. Never losing that part of you that’s true, tenacious, and vibrant. That part of you is still in there. Just as bold and brilliant as it has ever been.” I shake my head. “I can see it. So even when you can’t tell if it exists, I can. And I will hold this recognition for you until you are able.”
He squeezes his fingers where he holds my wrist. “I understand that you are miserable, and I know you are ready for this to end.”
Heart pounding, I search his expression, needing to know how he knows this, as I’ve never said those words to anyone.
“I know that look, because I’ve lived it,” he says, answering the question I didn’t ask. “I know that feeling of resignation and desperation. I understand why you have accepted this fate, and also why you refuse to endanger others in order to save yourself.”
My heart constricts as words swirl through my mind, though I cannot speak them. At least, not yet.
“I need you to understand that when you hurt, I feel it. When you die, I die with you. When you cease to exist, my soul goes where yours is.” A shuddering breath rumbles through my chest as he moves closer, trailing his hand up my arm.
“That’s not how the blood-bond works.”
He leans down, looking at me through his lashes, almost admonishing in his reaction. “You know that’s not what I meant.”
I nod, yet it’s not enough to convey what I need him to understand. “I’m so sorry, Varic.”
“No.” His voice is resolute, so I pull on what little magic I can and drain his sorrows to leave him with a stinging sense of regret.
He deserves a reminder of how he wishes he’d kept from vowing to protect me, a promise that’s causing him immeasurable anguish. His eyes search my face knowingly when I imbue him with all the grounding, focused emotions I can gather—pulling on his natural confidence to come forward. Everything he needs to distract from the grief of his life changing so drastically because of his forced sense of fealty toward me.
“Godsdammit, I’ve done it again.” He sighs. “I promised you I would strive to do better by you, then I open my mouth and add more stress when what you need is rest.” The chaise groans beneath him as he leans closer.
“This is what we do, Varic. We share our heaviness.” I raise my brows and implore him to prove he remembers what we once were to each other.
He nods, swirling his fingertips in slow circles over my skin as we get lost in this liminal space between us—until Lars clears his throat, effectively breaking the enchantment.
I pull in a deep breath before asking the room, “Who would have planted such a terrible actor in our Guard? If some other kingdom or rebel group were going to try to capture me, wouldn’t they have sent someone capable of convincing us he was Imperial staff? And did you see his sigil tattoo? The ink?—”
Before anyone can respond, I startle from the loud knock on the door. Varic pats my arm once before standing to answer.
“Announce yourself!” he demands.
“Imperial Guard Roy, under His Majesty’s express orders to escort Imperial Grand Witch Tasch to his chambers.” Varic turns, and the rest of my Guards nod in acknowledgment before his eyes fall to mine and I mindlessly reach for Cirrin’s hand to steady me.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
