My eyes flare wide when Hendry’s form is lost within the roiling flames just before everything blurs with the speed of Lars saving us.
“Hendry!” I scream as we topple to the ground just inside the threshold, landing on our sides over the floor littered with shards of debris.
Glass crunches under our weight as Varic holds me close to his chest, and Lars pulls his hands free to stand and survey the damage.
“No,” I whimper, and shake my head with the image of Hendry engulfed in flames now burnt behind my eyes while the loss of him feels soul-deep. My chest aches where the connection we forged through our blood-bond is now vacant. “No! Lars, please. Is he?—?”
“Tasch.” Lars stares out past the smoke. “I’m so sorry. There’s no way he could have survived. I—half of the balcony fell with him.”
My whole body shudders as Varic’s chest presses in with every harried breath I manage to suck in. I shift, suddenly desperate to see Varic, to know he truly made it away unscathed, when he tucks his chin to hold me in place.
“I’m so sorry, mei waella,” he whispers. “I am so fucking sorry. I thought he was right behind me. I thought he was inside my shield with everyone else. I?—”
“Shh,” I shush him, then send waves of forgiveness. “You didn’t do this, Varic. It’s not your fault. I promise.”
“You don’t need to comfort me?—”
“Stop,” I command. “I want to, and I will.”
His throat bobs as he swallows, and I drop my head to his chest, knowing I’ll need to stand. Knowing we will once again need to be parted after yet another tragedy has befallen one of us.
Though I do not feel strong enough to consider all it means as another memory flashes?—
* * *
“I have a bad feeling about this,” Hendry snarls.
“What? Committing treason?”
“There’s something else I cannot name, only that I do not think we should step out on that balcony.”
* * *
Fuck. I did this. I convinced him we needed that Godsdamned book. I made him follow me out onto that balcony like a selfish?—
“Hendry,” Fray says, voice taking on that distant quality. “He’s—” Cirrin grabs hold of his shoulders to pull him in for a tight hug, tugging on my heartstrings with the care wrapped in their embrace.
“I swore he was right behind me.” Varic cranes his neck to scan the area. “I don’t know how I missed him.”
“He can’t see your shield like Tasch and I can,” Malin says. “He must have stepped away to inspect the perimeter, knowing you would keep her safe when he heard Lars say you cast it.”
“Why didn’t he argue when I picked you up to carry you?” Varic’s voice is distant.
Breaking my heart into a million pieces, I spare more magic to siphon his shame from him, compounding the impact of Hendry’s loss on myself as I keep my own guilt in.
“He knew you would protect her while he assessed the origin of the threat,” Malin adds.
“He trusted you. With me,” I choke out, throat constricting, hoping Varic might understand the gravity of my overprotective Lead Guard trusting him more than himself when my life was in danger.
“I am so sorry I didn’t save him. Nothing I can say will ever bring him back. I really believed he was right behind me,” he gasps.
I force my arms to rise within his hold and take his face in my hands to study his expression before focusing on his eyes with the hope he might feel safe enough to do the same. “I know. I don’t blame you, Varic. I blame whoever attacked us.”
“It’s not about blame. It’s realizing that had I done one thing differently, he would still be alive.”
“Regret,” I say, and he holds my gaze, showing me how naming and knowing his experience in this moment is helping to alleviate some of the guilt he carries.
“You’re feeling it, too,” he says, and I break our eye contact.
