My breath catches, and I worry the words won’t make it past my lips. “I never wanted this for you, Varic. You deserve?—”
“No.” He shakes his head, moving mine with it. “I am exactly where I want to be, mei waella.” My breath hitches as a heady sensation takes over. “You think too highly of me. It is you who deserves more and better.”
Tears cloud my vision, while the need to wind my arms around him grows every passing second.
“I need to say one last thing, then I will leave you alone so you might get some rest.” He sighs. “I never knew such torment existed, to have to watch as he strangled you, to stare down in panic while you were chained to a wall.” His breath forces the edge of my robe to fall down my shoulder. “And for what? To remind us of the power and control he wields over us? Testing and goading us until we learn that any action against him will only make matters worse for everyone we care about.” His whole body shudders, shattering my heart with the motion.
The pain of witnessing this is grueling. I wish to tell him to stop, despite it being selfish. I know what it is to keep too much in. To hoard what we inherit, a poison passed down to every generation before me. And aren’t we the ones who will stop it? Aren’t we meant to dredge up the hurt and give it a name, so that those who come after us won’t have to endure it the same?
His distress dissipates as time passes, reminding me why this is a necessary process. Because Varic and I, we are the stubborn ones. We never give up—not on each other.
“It sickens me to think of how powerless I was to stop him. It felt like my heart was being ripped apart, yet it did nothing to make me act any differently when they tortured you. I warred with myself, swallowing the urge to steal you away while knowing deep down you would never forgive me were he to do what he threatens.” His voice is thick, and I’m overcome with the urge to wrap my arms around his neck, though he needs my words more.
“But you do defend me. You do protect me, Varic. How can you not recognize this? Think of every instance you have mentioned. Have you forgotten how you keep me safe with the use of your magic? Or how every sorcerer you have mentioned only thought they were touching my skin, when it was your shield they caressed. It was always you who claimed me. It was you who possessed me, Varic. Not them.”
His pupils expand to nearly obscure the brown of his irises.
“The Emperor, the Prince—they’re utterly powerless against you and your shield when it conforms to my body. They only attempted to control me, while unaware it was your power they were shackling or holding. Not me. Not truly. You have been the one holding me in the safety and comfort of your magic. Imbuing me with its warmth, mimicking the comfort you bring me as it pulses in sync with your heart, helping me feel close to you every time you use it.”
Tears fill his eyes as I part my lips to speak, yet he is too quick for me.
“It’s not enough. They still tortured you. My magic just helped to lessen the impact.”
“You’re not listening, Varic. I feel safer under your protection than I ever have.”
His brow furrows. “How can you feel safe when I am unable to manage my emotions anytime someone else harms you? Or when I am unable to ward and require you to save me? When I need you to use what little you have of your magic to prevent me from obliterating everyone and everything around us? I never would have guessed I would be just one more sorcerer depleting you of resources. I never assumed my vow to keep you safe would mean repeatedly placing you in danger.” He huffs out a breath. “I’m just as bad as he is, requiring you to manage my emotions when you need to do less.”
“Is that what you think?” I ask, bucking up against his chest while asking the same question he posed to me before when we argued within the trees. “You are nothing like him. You do not drain me, Varic. When I siphon emotions from you, and whenever I imbue you, I do not experience the same exhaustion I do with the Emperor.”
He shakes his head. “You shouldn’t have to do any of it for me in the first place.”
“Regardless of what you think I should or should not need to do when it comes to supporting you, I am going to. This is how we take care of each other. Just like you took on my overwhelm in the ballroom.” Varic’s eyes widen in confirmation. “Just as you will continue to comfort me with the warmth of your force-shield, though it is decidedly not as searing as the flush your gaze brings to my skin.”
His cheeks pinken as a small smile plays on my lips.
“What are you saying, Tasch?”
“When you shield me, when you use your magic so they only think they are touching me, when you have to pay such close attention to maintain its protection, to the point you have to harm yourself due to the distress of witnessing their actions—I would say that’s love, Varic.”
He studies me, looking up through his lashes, hands trailing up my sides to bracket my waist as he fills my chest with the tendrils of admiration and care he’s sending. Emotions he may mean for me to interpret as his form of confirmation, yet it’s all so much, and I cannot be sure, as he has not yet said the words—and being Varic, he doesn’t tend to withhold them.
My pulse thrums heavy and low as he parts his lips and says, “Then am I to interpret how you emotionally manipulated others to protect me from witnessing the way the Emperor treats you the same way?”
I try to free the words he needs to hear past the knot growing in my throat—but they’re stuck.
“How about every time you siphon from me, taking all that I am unable to tolerate despite the detriment to your being? Or perhaps we should address your unending patience with me, back when I no longer wished to exist? Back when the thought of being remade into something resembling a living, breathing sorcerer was the last thing I ever would have chosen, yet you refused to give up on me no matter how much I challenged you.”
A small sob works its way up my chest as he continues, “No matter how surly or rude I was—no matter how much I delayed or distracted from our task—you persisted when every other witch claimed I could not be saved. You pushed past my stubbornness, even when it rivaled that of a Dragon. I would argue those actions all count as expressions of love, would you not?”
Tears roll down my cheeks as his eyes trace over my face. “I’m scared, Tasch. I’m fucking terrified, especially now that he is commanding you to manipulate others without the use of your magic. The royal family is well-practiced in these social strategies, while you and I have only ever observed them.” He takes my hand in his, stalling my breath. “I will not allow him to continue harming you. I will keep you safe, mei meida.”
“I know you will.” My voice is hoarse with emotion. “And I will not allow you to continue hurting yourself in the name of my protection. I will not allow you to take on my distress to the point you have to scar yourself to keep from killing us all.”
He presses his lips into a line as his thumb swipes across my palm, his eyebrows furrowing when he holds it up to inspect. I pull in a sharp breath to brace for what’s next. Yet this sorcerer proves he isn’t so predictable as his eyes soften, and rather than admonishing me, he raises my hand to press a kiss over the crescent-shaped divot where each of my nails dug into my flesh. He repeats the action, moving over the delicate skin in the palm of my hand, pressing his lips to each area of injury—proving his love with acceptance and healing.
His eyes lift to mine when he kisses my hand a fourth and final time, keeping hold of it as he lowers his own, all while pinning me with the intensity of his gaze. “The only way to accomplish this is to extract you, Tasch.” Something behind his eyes reminds me of what it felt like when I was determined to help him find a purpose—a reason to continue living—so strangely incapable of fathoming a world without him in it.
Back when we collectively repaired a soul consumed by tragedy into something neither of us could have dreamed. When we took a being so lost to the darkness, while shackled to the abyss, who we refused to abandon until he became this sorcerer standing before me. A sorcerer I could not be more proud of were he to save the whole of the Continent from tyranny, because he has already fought and won the hardest war one can in choosing to stay with us.
