A week later I was with Oscar and Nell at the popular gay club, Utopia, getting ready to play our set. I’d completed my yoga routine earlier and I was feeling good. The club was a big part of the LGBTQ community, and it felt like a lot of exposure. The club was full, and the energy was high. A sequence of lights played on rotation, following the colours of the rainbow, giving the club its distinctive look and feel. People were already dancing in front of the decks. The heavy bass of the club’s sound system felt good. It was comforting. Regulating. I wouldn’t be able to fully relax until our set was over, but I wasn’t as worked up as I usually was before playing. Maybe it was because we knew this venue as partygoers ourselves so well, or maybe it was because I’d been thinking so much about putting myself back out there again and what that might mean. After the argument with Lily, I’d been exploring whether or not what she said had some truth in it. I’d come to the conclusion that it did. There was a part of me that did want to live out loud and share my work as myself. I wanted to conquer this sense of not wanting to be seen. Why should I have to hide? It was something I had to deal with because not dealing with it was now feeling like stagnation. Lily was right.
“Time to party,” Nell said. “Good luck, Rona.”
“Show ’em what you’ve got,” Oscar replied. He was so supportive. “I can’t wait to hear how it sounds live.”
Oscar and Nell were like family. I pulled them both into a huddle and hugged them together, foreheads touching. “Thanks, guys; you’re the best.”
I took a sip of water after the group hug. I was looking forward to hearing how my music sounded live too. When I’d played my set at home for Oscar and Nell, they’d both responded very positively. This was the most personal new material I had ever shared. I’d been working for six daysstraight to get my set to where I wanted it to be, as I was both finishing some of the songs in terms of production and working out a way to mix them all together. My finished mix was one of my favourite things I’d ever done, and I couldn’t wait to play it for people and test it out.
I warmed up the crowd with a few nineties house classics mixed together so they seamlessly blended from one to the next. I liked it. It was like a palette cleanser to me and allowed me to feel like I was at home just messing around on my decks, or at a small house party, so I could relax. I always did better on stage when I made it feel like it was a smaller and more intimate gathering between friends.
Then I dropped Robyn’sDancing on My Owninto t.A.T.u’sAll the Things She Said. The club went wild. It sounded so great. I was feeling it. Everyone was feeling it. I’d chosen these two songs together because they were helping me process everything that was happening right now with Lily. They weren’t literally what we were going through; Lily wasn’t cheating on me, and we weren’t two schoolgirls crushing on each other, but something in their energy felt right.
I missed Lily so much.
We’d had a few brief text exchanges since we saw each other last. Lily asked how I was and said she was sorry. It was important to me that I let Lily reach out first, and she did. I said I was doing okay and apologised too. We both said we loved each other but agreed again on needing some time apart. Lily was reassuring and kind. I was calm and respectful. It wasn’t a breakup, more of a timeout. I was giving her space and focusing on myself and my music.
But it was hard.
I kept replaying all the things we said and staring at her messages where she reassured me she was still there and thatshe loved me. It was taking everything in my power to stay away from her and not throw myself at her and cry into her arms about how hard I was finding all this.
To say that I loved mixing these two songs together would be an understatement. They were my anthems to this time period. Something shifted in me as I vibed with everyone during my mash up. It was cathartic to play them live tonight.
Nell gave me the thumbs up. That meant we were looking good in terms of audio and setup, and ready to progress into the main part of the set.
I was no longer nervous. I’d already shifted into a more openly emotional and vulnerable state through playing and vibing to two classics mashed together. My songs were going to take the emotion and heat up another level, at least for me. If I could be me in this moment, then there probably wasn’t anything else for me to fear about playing for any audience.
The next thirty minutes went by in a blur. I felt every beat, every key change and every note. These songs were part of me, and now they were out in the wild, being met by the partygoers in this club. It was strange mixing my own music, rather than playing it live, but it let me sit back and see the crowd reaction and dance along with everyone. I fucking loved the power of the sounds I’d cobbled together and the samples I’d chosen. I sang about love, life, death, ecstasy and betrayal, and everything in between. My most vulnerable and final song was titledThe Knowing, although no one knew song titles yet.
I was totally spent by the time I ended my set. People were coming up to me and hugging me, telling me they loved it. Nell was still dancing around, having forgotten about her job to pack up the kit. I didn’t care. It was a specialmoment, but Lily wasn’t here to share it. I wanted to run to her and get her attention back. I wanted her here, close to me, and reassuring me in person that everything was fine. Instead, I’d told her I was playing the gig and that it wasn’t the place for our first meet up after our fight and Lily understood and agreed not to come. Pushing these feelings away, I took my headphones off my shoulders and accepted a beer from Oscar.
“That was fucking incredible, Rona!” Oscar said. “How do you feel?”
“Like I want to do it again.” I smiled.
“Hey!” A man approached me and Oscar at the decks. His hair was dishevelled and he was handsome and slim, probably in his forties. He looked tired, as if he’d been dancing. It was after one in the morning, after all. “That was awesome, thanks very much. Me and my pals loved that. I’m one of the lead artist bookers for Glastonbury, and I was wondering if you’d like to play at the festival this summer? I don’t think we’ve officially met before, but I’ve watched your career over the years. I loved what you did tonight, and I’d be really interested to book you. Is that something you’d be interested in discussing more? Sorry I’m not usually this direct or out of it. I’m out with friends tonight, and I’m a bit trolleyed. But I know a fucking superstar when I see one, and I’m sure you’ve got other things planned and won’t have time, but I thought I’d ask.” He glanced at Oscar, as if for the first time. “Heyyyy, Oscar! I didn’t know you guys were still friends. I thought you split up like ten years ago.”
“We’re still friends, dude,” Oscar replied.
“Nice,” the guy replied.
I considered his offer. It would be a massive challenge but somehow, it appealed. “I’d be happy to discuss it more. Do you have a card or something?”
He slipped a business card onto the decks. “Perfect! Hey, do you have a manager?”
“Nope. I’m a producer. I work for Notebook Records sometimes, but mostly I’m my own boss.”
“Cool. Hey, let’s talk more in a couple of days. Have a good night!” He disappeared off into the crowd.
The club was emptying, and the lights had come on over the dancefloor.
Oscar, Nell and I went to the bar.
“What a night!” The owner of the club said. “Thank you so much for that. You were incredible.”
“Cheers,” I said, feeling less self-conscious than usual.
“Can you come back every Saturday?” She said this jokingly but there was a hint of seriousness in her voice.
