As long as Lily stayed the same towards me, everything would be fine. Was fine.
“Rona, I’m worried you’re losing yourself a bit too much in this new relationship with Lily. Lily is a very energetic and ambitious person. She achieves things most of us don’t even dare to dream about. Do you think you could take a bit of a breather? Give yourself and her a bit of space?”
“What? No. We want to be with each other. We miss each other all the time even when we’re at work. I’m not stepping back. Why would I do that?”
Vicky and Mathilde shared a look.
“I don’t want to see either of you get hurt,” Vicky said. “That’s all.”
“We’re not going to hurt each other. We’re madly in love. Not sure what you mean, to be honest.”
Mathilde hesitated. “I think what she means, and I do as well, is that we can see some signs that might lead to difficult situations. We both know you both, remember?”
I sighed, finally understanding where they were coming from. “This is different than Becca. We respect each other more. I’m stronger. Lily is the best person I’ve ever met. Imean, one of. I trust that she wants to be with me and see where it goes, and that she’s going to treat me right. She already does.” Even as I said these words, I was already doubting them. There was a possibility I was holding on too tightly to Lily. Lily could be kind of distant sometimes. She also drank too much for my liking and the whole fame and attention thing revolving around us did not sit well with me, even though Lily was doing her best to respect my privacy. But no one was perfect, right? Everyone had a little bit of baggage, even the best footballer in the world.
I softened my face, feeling grateful they both cared about us this much. “Thank you for looking out for us. I appreciate it.”
“Okay. I hear you. Anything we can do to help you guys, just let us know,” Vicky said.
“How about another drink?” I asked, hoping to change the subject and alleviate my very real growing anxiety that something wasn’t quite right with my relationship.
By the time we left the pub it was late. I checked my phone and there was a message from Lily saying she was having to work late at the studio and she wouldn’t be finished until midnight. She didn’t say anything about us meeting up. I got the feeling that Lily wasn’t bothered about seeing me tonight. Was it weird that I was practically living at hers when we hadn’t officially agreed to move in together? Should I go home tonight instead? For the first time, in a very real way, I could see where Vicky and Mathilde were coming from.
Despite this, I headed back to Lily’s.
~ 20 ~
Lily
Scrolling on my phone doing nothing in particular, I came across another photo of me and Rona on Reddit. In this one, we were sitting outside our favourite pub around the corner having some wine. I still couldn’t understand why people would find us so interesting. I was fine with giving photographers time at an awards ceremony, and even a carefully selected interview and photoshoot here and there, but the endless press and media attention about an ex-footballer such as myself and an ex-indie-pop star like Rona baffled me. And it wasn’t just the queer community. Speculation and intrigue about our relationship was also in relatively mainstream places. I was doing my best to maintain our privacy and keep Rona protected but it was hard when I was also trying to build a new profile as a podcaster. I would much rather they talk about my podcast rather than who I was in a relationship with.
I stood up from the sofa, needing to stretch my legs and get some fresh air. Rona had hardly moved in hours either.
“Where are you going?” Rona asked. The skin between her eyebrows furrowed.
“Nowhere.” I scanned the room. It was full of Rona’s things. Her shoes, bags, her books and her blanket. It didn’t look like my living room anymore. “Actually, I’m going to take a walk.”
“Where?”
“Just around the corner or something. I’ll pick up some milk. Won’t be long.” I was already by the front door pullingmy jacket on, careful not to hurt my shoulder. It was sore again for some reason. “Back in a bit.” The door closed behind me.
On my walk I hid under my cap, wishing I could hide under here permanently. This morning was my only time off this week and would be for another ten days. I’d scheduled a lot of interviews back-to-back so I could keep the momentum going with the podcast. I loved it and I couldn’t believe how happy it made me, getting to learn and grow alongside my listeners. I had another match to commentate on at the weekend and now I was starting to write my autobiography. I’d been approached by a publisher and had agreed to put something out in six months, as long as I could write it myself. This meant I had to get to work, and fast.
But I was finding that I couldn’t get the rest I needed when I was around Rona every moment I wasn’t working. I was starting to feel like I couldn’t fully relax in my own home. I loved her deeply. I was in love with her, but lately, there was something about our relationship or my life, or maybe both, that was making me feel overwhelmed. I wasn’t working out and running as much. I was waking up tired after a full night’s sleep. Our lovemaking had slowed down, to the point that it was only Rona initiating. I was finding it hard to be present with Rona and give her the attention she needed, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I hadn’t seen Nikki or Sophie for ages, and I’d started to feel like it was too difficult to reach out. They were busy being professional footballers at the highest level. I didn’t want to bother them with my stuff, especially since I knew they were so focused on coming from behind to compete for the league this year.
The only thing that made me feel relief was being on my own, which at the moment was when I was reading the books of the guests I had invited on to my podcast. It wasn’tpassive reading though. I had to make notes and grapple with their ideas and their work. I loved this but it didn’t necessarily feel like much downtime or relief.
I pushed open the door of the local shop and the bell chimed. Keeping my head down, I walked past the chocolate and the crisps and got a pint of milk out of the fridge. I added a four-pack of beers and a bottle of wine to my basket and threw in a packet of biscuits. I’d taken to drinking a bit more these days too. I guess that was another, albeit limited, way I was able to relax.
When I got home, Rona was still lying on the sofa, scrolling on her phone now. I never saw her play music anymore. She hardly left the house. Come to think of it, we hadn’t seen any of our friends together in a while either.
I put the items in the kitchen and washed my hands. I needed to water my plants on the windowsill.
“Are you not even going to say hello when you come in the house now?”
“Huh?”
Rona sat up, cross-legged on the sofa, frowning. “You came back in, but you just ignored me.”
