“A transformation.”
“A very slow one, maybe?”
“Give it time. What you’re going through is huge. And if you ever need someone to talk to about it, you know I’m here.”
Lily smiled, warmly. “I’ll keep that in mind. So, tell me, have you ever had your identity shocked to the core? Apart from your sexuality I’m guessing, which we haven’t discussed yet. How do you identify and when did you know?”
“Queer. Sapphic. I love women. I’ve always known, I feel.” I nodded. “And you?”
“Lesbian. Late teens. Sporty tomboy before that. You know. The pipeline.”
I laughed, loudly, tipping my head back a bit. She gazed at my neck, hungrily. She better not add vampire to her list. “But you’re too pretty to be a lesbian,” I said mockingly, paraphrasing the shit we heard all the time.
Lily laughed.
“In terms of having my identity shocked to the core, I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD.”
Lily frowned. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Don’t be. There are a lot of upsides to it.”
“Sorry. Of course,” Lily corrected, quickly. “I don’t know much about it except that more and more people seem to be realising they have it and are getting diagnosed with it these days.”
“And autism, too. It’s all been underdiagnosed for too long. Especially in girls and women. Sometimes I think I might have AuDHD which is basically a mix of the two. Our understanding of neurodivergence is evolving so for now I’m mostly going withneurospicy.”
Lily leaned forward. “What’s it like living with it?”
“I struggle with hyperfocus and then not being able to focus on anything. I struggle with timekeeping. Organisation. My brain never really switches off. I manage it all so that hopefully no one will notice, but it comes at a cost to me. It’s hard to describe.”
“It sounds hard.”
“It’s okay. It’s made me understand myself better. I think my ADHD is part of the reason why I love music and making it. It feels like my brain is wired for it. Obviously not everyone with ADHD is musical, no two people are the same, but there is a correlation with creativity and pattern recognition in neurodivergent people. For me, I think it’s why I love dance music so much. A lot of people say they can’t stand the heavy and louddoof doof doofelectronic music but for me, I swear I find it calming. It stimulates me in a predictable way. Actually, I think it regulates me. Sometimes I’ll play the same track on repeat for ages. I find the rhythm of it soothing, like it grabs my scattered brain and sets it into a steady pace with a direction. That’s what I need. It helpsme focus. And when I mix music together when I DJ, I now know why my brain just gets making sense of the chaos.”
Lily was quiet. Perhaps I was oversharing again. “I love how self-aware you are,” she said, thoughtfully.
We sat there smiling at each other. Lunch was over. It was getting chilly. I didn’t want her to leave. “Do you want to go inside and stay for dinner?” I bit my bottom lip. If she said no, I would be crushed. Embarrassed. Disappointed.
Instead, she smiled, or sort of smirked in that knowing and sexy way she did. Maybe she only ever smiled at me like that. It wasn’t her trademark iconic smile that had made her a multi-millionaire being the face of major brands on top of being a successful footballer. No. That smile was just for me.
“I would love to stay for dinner, Rona.”
***
We were in the living room now in that awkward time between lunch and dinner. Lily was standing up at my bookcases poring through my books and records. If I weren’t so attracted to her and keen for her to know me, I might have found it invasive. It certainly was an assessment. Alignment in tastes in music and literature was as huge as approval from friends in my book. Hopefully I’d pass, on both accounts, and I would get to meet her friends one day and elevate this into us being girlfriends.
Lily sat next to me on the sofa and stretched her arms along the top of it by either side of her, still gazing towards my stuff. Her hand was right next to my shoulder. I wanted her to put her arm around me.
“What are you thinking,” I asked.
Her voice was gentle when she spoke. “I’m in awe of your world, to be honest. I’d love to sit here all day andmake my way through all of your books and records. I’m wondering what it’s like inside your brain. I hope that is not too cheesy.”
I sat there struggling to process what she’d said, too excited by what I had heard.
She lowered her hand so that it rested on my shoulder and turned her body towards me.
My heart pounded in my chest. I did everything in my power to not throw myself at her. “You’re more than welcome to sit here all day and work your way through anything you want.”
Lily started stroking my upper arm.
