“Well today it feels pretty shitty. All I want is to be out there playing, to be honest.”
“It’s the worst. I know exactly how you feel. I felt like that when I retired. At least you have this now. This commentating gig. You were fantastic today by the way. I hope you come back, because in the end.” He grimaced before taking a deep breath. “This is all we have now. You’ll never be as close to greatness again; this is as good as it gets, I’ve found. Doing this, you’re still part of the action in a way. I take comfort in that. Who knows, you might find that you do too, one day.”
My chest tightened. I took a small step back from him. “I’ll need to see how I feel.”
“Take your time. You might find commentating on the England matches lifts your spirits. Doing that is really something.”
We parted ways after a brief hug. I knew he meant well and I appreciated his honesty. He was truly one of the greatest players we’ve ever had in England and was held warmly in many people’s hearts.
As I was leaving the stadium, my mind was swirling. I’d enjoyed getting an insight into the way they showed games. I’d enjoyed the analytical discussions about the match and putting my thoughts across. The response from the studio was amazing. They wanted me back. Apparently, the camera loved me. I agreed to another three WSL matches over thenext couple of months. Sam was ecstatic, clearly proud that her recommendation to the studio and her encouragement of me to come in, had paid off. But something in me wasn’t sure. David had got into my head. I sure as hell didn’t want my future confined to being a football pundit.
As I drove home, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was anchoring myself to my old life right at the time when I needed to break away and start a new one. It was physically painful being this close to a match and not playing. I didn’t know if I could commentate on a match for England. Although it would be a huge honour to be asked.
As I often did these days, I put on Rona’s music to accompany me. I had a playlist of all her released songs, from the band and from people she’d mentioned producing over the years. Half of them I still couldn’t believe were her songs and not the world-famous artists’. She really was flying under the radar. I loved her stuff. I loved her upbeat and danceable songs with thought-provoking ideas about love and relationships. I thought back to all the times I’d hummed along and assumed they were someone else’s. In a way, Rona had been part of my life for many years.
While one of her songs fromSculptplayed through my car, it connected deeply with something I was feeling right now. It was about not knowing which direction to take in life, being at a crossroads, and having no clue how to figure things out. But how this one person can come along and help you find clarity.
Like the love of your life.
The chorus was world-famous. I’d never really listened to the rest of the lyrics before. They cut a little too close. My finger hovered over the skip button. I hated feeling sad and depressed. But this song, so self-reflective and honest, was hard to ignore. The fact that Rona had written this song,and all those years ago while she herself was feeling lost, felt like it meant something.
The truth was, I was on my own with this new stage in my life. And it was terrifying. I needed to figure my shit out before I drifted into something that wasn’t right for me. I needed a fresh perspective.
Trouble was, I was so lost.
~ 12 ~
Rona
Buzzing Lily in, I held onto the button for too long. I never normally did that. I fixed my clothes one more time and tried to breathe normally, in and out. I hadn’t seen her since Greece. The texts had been fun and sweet, but there was no substitute for seeing each other in person. I scanned my flat, preparing for what Lily would see, trying to see it through her eyes. Everywhere I looked there were books, records, musical instruments and photos of me and my friends over the years. My Ivor Novello and Mercury Prize trophies took pride of place on my mantlepiece beside my beloved plants. The flat smelled of carrot and ginger soup cooking on the stove.
I met her at the door and smiled. “Hey captain.”
Lily was wearing a white t-shirt and light denim jeans. Her hair was down and flowing around her shoulders. She looked very beautiful.
“Hey, Rona,” Lily said, her smile reaching her eyes.
We stepped into each other’s arms, as if it was the most natural thing to do. She smelled of lavender and fresh air. My heart pounded, holding her so close. For a second, the world stopped and I was transported back to Greece and our night together. I wanted to melt into her already.
“It’s so good to see you, Rona,” Lily said, smoothly, over my shoulder.
“You too, Lily,” I replied, softly.
Next thing I knew, she was inside my flat and looking around. “Wow, I love your place.”
“My flat is basically another music studio, I should warn you. I work mostly at my kitchen table, as you can see.”
One end of the table was covered in electrical equipment and wires I’d done my best to tidy. I hoped she didn’t think it was too messy.
I took her onto the balcony as it had views down the street and was where we were going to have lunch today. The space had a circular table and two chairs, with more plant pots and ornaments from various places I’d been in the world.
“It’s so cute out here. I love it.” Lily leant onto the railing.
“My favourite thing about this place is the rooftop. We sometimes have parties up there. It’s great in the summer. Very sociable.”
“I’d love to see that one day.”
Lily’s comment stirred something within me. Seeing her in the flesh again and in my home was surreal. I’d missed her. Maybe she didn’t feel the same as me though. Lily had played it so casual since getting back. No rush to meet up, just easy banter and a bit more getting to know each other via text. Nothing concrete. She kept deflecting when I asked her what she was up to, preferring to talk about what cool shows or films I’d seen recently.
