My first thought was that I might struggle to get the ring on her finger on our wedding day. Crazy. Why did I get so quickly and insanely attached to people? Truth be told I always did this with new people in my life who would go on to become close friends or lovers.
I already knew Lily was going to be one of them.
“Sometimes in the morning they ache.” Lily continued, none the wiser to my future plans for us. “Not sure if I’ve already got some inflammation in that hand because of it or if I might get arthritis there when I’m older.”
Her crooked fingers gave her so much more character in my opinion. “You have beautiful hands, including your crooked fingers.”
“Thanks. Pretty much my whole left side is fucked though. My right side, on the other hand, is tip-top, just not able to compete at the highest level anymore.”
“Between your one functioning side and your injured left side, you’re still a million times fitter and healthier than us mere mortals. I’m happy if I can run five kilometres under forty minutes these days.” I floated towards her a bit more. “Are you still in touch with your teammates?”
“I am yes, all the time. I was at Arsenal for years, apart from my stint at Barcelona, so they’re like my family. I still talk to some of the girls at Barcelona, too. I have a friend who still plays in Spain. She went out with me to Barcelona and she stayed while I came back. We used to be together, actually.”
“Oh.”
I held my breath for a second, feeling my pulse begin to quicken. I knew of this relationship because it was all over social media at one point, including the sapphic internet. They were two of the hottest female footballers both in terms of performance and looks, and they were a couple.Naturally, everyone went crazy for the relationship when they went public with it. Vicky never shared anything private of Lily’s and we never asked, out of respect. She was a friend of a friend I thought I’d never get to meet. I never once thought I’d be in a pool with Lily getting her intimate take on what happened. “That’s good you can still be friends.”
“It’s taken us a while to get to this place, but yeah, it’s good. I’m so grateful to still have her in my life. She has a new girlfriend now. One of her Spanish teammates.”
“Cool.”
“I’ve been single since I came back to the UK, that’s two years ago now.”
“Why did you two break up? If you don’t mind me asking?”
“I don’t mind at all,” Lily said, looking into my eyes now. We were side by side in the pool. “We were partners, best friends, teammates, and like, we were never not around each other, you know? I started to feel suffocated by the relationship and I guess I felt like I was losing myself. I would get distant, which triggered her anxiety. We would have a big argument and then make up. So we were constantly in this push-pull dynamic that became exhausting for both of us. We kept going around in circles getting nowhere. She had also developed feelings for someone else on the team by that point, although she hadn’t acted on it. Eventually, she brought up that we could consider not being a couple anymore and that we would be better as friends. I agreed after a while. It was a mutual thing in the end after lots of trying to make it work. It was for the best.”
I nodded, taking in everything she said, feeling it hit me in the chest. What she was describing was almost identical to what had happened between me and my ex, Becca, although it was Becca who was a dismissive avoidant andwho eventually withdrew and shut me out after being together for three years. It still hurt to think about.
“I’m sorry to hear that. You sound like you’ve got clarity on the situation though. Did you keep playing in the same team after you broke up?”
“Yep, and her new girlfriend was in our team.”
“Shit. That can’t have been easy to be around.”
“It wasn’t. I went back to England not long after. I needed to get away from it all.”
“I didn’t know that was why you two split up and why you came back.”
Lily shielded her eyes from the sun, looking at me quizzically, as if she was disappointed to have met another person who knew more about her than she did about them. I knew the feeling, and I felt for her. I’d just let slip that I knew of who she was and her important milestones. But then, as a lesbian in London with a mutual friend, was it that unlikely that I wouldn’t know? I let her digest the information, not saying anything.
“I guess my life is all over social media and the papers. When I came home, it was everywhere about me being back, and about the breakup. We tried to keep it quiet but the internet always finds a way.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s fine. Honestly.” Lily floated away.
I worried she’d felt our conversation had got too close. Too personal.
When she turned back, she caught my eye, with a curious look. “What about you? Are you seeing anyone right now?”
“Nope. I broke up with my ex about six months ago. We were together for three years. I thought she was the person I’d grow old with, but things turned out differently. That’s life, I guess. I’m moving on.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Six months isn’t a long time ago. How are you?”
“I’m a lot better now, thanks. Some days are harder than others but I’m starting to feel more like myself again.”
“Are you still friends or…?”
